Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so.
I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for me to be a “house-girlfriend.” That was until we added up my debt and realized I need to go straight to work. But, during my non-working days, I delved into to Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self and journaled like crazy.
Has that writing healed painful places I hold inside? It feels like the answer is “no” when I think of how I sometimes go to bed immediately after work because I don’t want to be awake anymore; when I have screaming fits with my fiance and threaten to end our relationship; when I feel judged upon walking into a room; when I feel so far from God. Have parts of me healed?
There are noticeable parts of pain I hold, and it is showing on the outside. I need to lose weight. I’ve gained roughly 40 pounds since college (2008) and I’m unhappy with how I look. I need to lose about 33 pounds. I feel like I am dragging around anger and regret and sadness that is weighing me down, literally. 33 pounds for 33 years – I just realized the relation. I ask again, have parts of me healed?
The answer is yes. I’m revisiting journal entries and feeling inspired by the wisdom and insight I was having during some of my most difficult times. What will I think of myself and my writing in 4 years? I’m stronger than I was in 2011, and I’ll be stronger than I am today tomorrow. This is all really defining the meaning of “journey.”
Now I’m going to pick back up Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self and reread the chapter I was last on a few weeks ago. The chapter I will be reading is chapter 11 titled If You Were Neglected, Rejected or Abandoned: Healing the “I am unlovable” and “I am worthless” mirrors. And while I do feel led to complete this book, I can honestly say that I don’t feel “worthless” today as I have in years past. But, I also don’t feel “full of worth”, so I know this chapter will strike chord today as it did in 2011.