The “F” Word
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I …
Kristin on Ketamine
About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking …
I’m still relevant
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. …
Just write something
I told myself after my evening walk I would write something. Anything. So this is it. I’ve been listening to music all day. Work went well. …
The loneliest place
“The loneliest place is a lonely marriage,” my counselor Paige told me. I knew she was right then, and her words ring true to me at …
Quick Ponder: Dreams Unexplored
After talking with my counselor today, I left her office with a question. An internal question. What is holding me back from going after my dreams? …
To Aries from a Libra
If you read this blog then you know I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, whether they are fresh on the scene or just new …
Giving up things of the world
I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl
I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling …
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Birthday Blues
It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say …
And so I abide
I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I …
To Drink or Not to Drink
Let’s look at my history with alcohol. Multiple arguments, the ending of relationships, the ending of going to school, the ending of a fresh reputation. For …
This Journey I’m On
I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to …
Freedom in Forgiveness
I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close …
Lackluster
Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg …
Doubt is a Mother
I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. …
Getting rid of the icky
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. …
Making space for stillness
Today’s Rituals for Transformation message is to make time for stillness. Still my mind. Still my thoughts. Gently pull myself back to stillness when I find …
Sharing my truth
My mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or …
It’s only a matter of time
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find …
Today was a sad day
I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go …
Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings
I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind …
There’s just something about her
I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact …
Day 1/Day 18
I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to …
Two birds, one stone
I’m working through Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life. Each day calls for morning and evening meditation followed by journaling. Today I …
108 Day Journey
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my …
Winter in Spring
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that …
My World Awakens
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had …
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually …
The Other Scarlet Letter
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you …
Quiet Breath
I’m sitting outside. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I imagine the neighborhood kids are already in bed, along with their parents and pets. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. …
Laying it out there
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart …
Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward
I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went …
The Instagram Effect
This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel …
Sunrise
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, …
Peculiar
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences …
Another Sleepless Night brought to you by Vyvanse
It’s not all Vyvanse’s fault. I mismanaged my prescription today (i.e. took a second pill at 4 pm), but I had to do work. And I …
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RandomRamblings
This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, …
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, …
Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance
The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always …
When You Have No Friends
I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs …
On the journey of med adherence
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to …
I’m not good enough – on purpose?
It’s getting really tiring having these discoveries hit me again and again. I am in the season of new beginnings, new blessings, forgiving myself – forgiveness …
Afternoon Journaling
Random thoughts on a random day. Kind of not a random day as Labor Day was yesterday. I didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and sleep. …
A.M. Ponderings: Medication Adherence
I actually forgot I had written my most recent blog post, you know the one about consistency and “we’ll see how long this lasts.” Well I …
Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m …
P.M. Ponderings
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to …
Three Decades of Beliefs
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end …
The Brief: How I Survived Childhood
My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should …
Junk in my Trunk
Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how …
A Frenchman and a Child
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came …
…that which bring healing.
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close …
Belonging
It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on …
Rules to be Written
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel …
Ramblings about Growth and Struggle
Can there be growth without struggle? I switch back and forth between contentment, anger, and sadness. One constant is that I always feel blessed. How can …
#7 and #8
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or …
Wandering through the Woes
I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still …
Got Anger?
I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at …
Gratitude Season
It’s gratitude season for me. I have been recognizing all that I am blessed with and how, no matter how severe my depression and challenging motherless …
And this too shall pass
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she …
May God Have Mercy on Your Soul
These are the words my mother left me with after finding me on Etsy. ETSY! How she found me can only be due to her stalker-rific …
Learning to be Loved
Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I …
Symptoms of BPD
I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were …
Struggle Forward
Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be …
You are always enough.
I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept – I’m good enough where I am. …
The Voice of Forgiveness
I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel, …
The Identified Patient
One of the things I love about blogging, even though I am in my beginning stages and have a very small following, is that I can …
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable …
My Mother and Domestic Violence
Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes …
Steps in All Directons
Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2 …
Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace
Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my …
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of …
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During …
Nouwen Again
As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense …
Accept the kindness from your inner self, and share your journey to nourish your mind and body, and yours alone
I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course. …
Bridal Shower Boundaries
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And …
Pretzels Before Pain
“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by …
Sore, Not Soar
“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where …