During a recent counseling session, I told my therapist, Kristen, that I have a deep, aching sadness inside of me. No matter what good happens, no matter how much progress I’ve achieved in my healing, I always have this pulsating sorrow that I can literally feel beating bruises into my
Mother Sadness: The Introduction Keep Reading
As much as things change, the more they stay the same. As evidenced by this post I wrote over 14 years ago – FOURTEEN. Most of what I wrote about I’m still experiencing today. I can see my progress though, how far I’ve come through counseling, pharmacological interventions, and sheer
When I started this blog in 2009, it was just that, a blog. A complicated girl’s simple blog. It was essentially a public journal. I was anonymous, and I wrote whatever was on my mind and heart. I did not worry if it sounded right, and to be honest, the
This is what life with bipolar looks like – it can be structured, planned, intentional…but still the array of emotions I feel each day can be overwhelming. On top of work, daily duties, being a wife, working to be a better wife, working to be a better person. Overwhelming is a gently word to explain how I feel sometimes. Sometimes often.
The Imperfect Post Keep Reading
I recently read a LinkedIn post by a writer who said, “Your audience needs to hear from you consistently. Not perfectly.” And I thought, that is so true. I don’t have to publish the most eloquent blog post in order for my content, my words, my thoughts to be relevant
The “Sometimes” List Keep Reading
The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. You’ve got to move on from that.” “I wouldn’t want
You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading
Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his music and I am always super inspired to write when
An Evening I Will Not Forget Keep Reading
The following blog post is exactly why I journal and publish for all to read. I love reading the insight I gained in the exact moment I gained it. Fifteen years ago I felt so lost, as I outline in this blog post. But…I decided to take charge of my
Changing the Course of a Day Keep Reading
I’m balancing writing about the fond and good memories I have as a childhood with some real trauma I experienced. I’m trying to hold space for love for both sides of those responsible for my trauma, for they were also responsible for some nice moments. However, as I just said,
Holding space for love and trauma Keep Reading
Very recently, I attended a workshop about overcoming your trauma through writing. W.T.F. When I first came across the name of the workshop, which was hosted by Writespace where I’ve attended many workshops in the past, I thought, “This is speaking to me.” I just felt it in my connective
Overcoming Through Writing Keep Reading
There are moments in your life where you just “get it”. You suddenly understand life and all it has to offer–all you have to offer. The lightbulb in your soul clicks on for a second and leaves just the same. Here is my account of when I experienced one such
New Understanding: The Moment Keep Reading
Since I was a little girl, I’ve loved looking at magazines and cutting out pictures and words that were moving me at the time. I started up this hobby again about 3 years ago. And, I do worry that it’s a little immature to be doing. So I gave it
I had a very important meeting yesterday that will have a big impact on the future of my career. It was in the big city about 2 hours north of where I live. I left early and spent the morning and early afternoon working hard to take a big step
Hopeful and Happy Keep Reading
Sitting at my desk filled with empty beer bottles lingering from two weekends past, I write. I kept the cans as a souvenir from my last trip, the trip I took down memory lane, the same trip I’ve taken every weekend since I was sixteen when I tasted my first
The Song of My Soul Keep Reading
I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. I don’t know why these people keep me in their lives — maybe they feel bad for me and know I’d be alone without
Doubt is a Mother Keep Reading
I started off on journey, not toward closure specifically but a journey toward a better life, toward a newer, healthier version of myself. I am seeing a counselor regularly. I have been on medication for several months now. I am reading inspirational books, I am praying, I am limiting my
Traveling back to March 2015 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes. Reading this blog is kind of neat — it’s like a not-so-secret diary where I can voice my opinions, put my fear into words, type
The fear of writing the wrong first word…yes, the very first word…fearing that it will be the wrong word that the judges won’t like has held me back from entering writing competitions in the past. I’m not writing to enter the contest. I’m writing to win. So, do I need
weeping may endure for a night Keep Reading
The subject of love has been on my mind since I set out on my journey. Love, a strange emotion that I don’t really understand and unsure if I’ve ever really felt – love – pure, without bitterness or regret, without strings attached or unmet expectations looming in the distance,
New Understanding: I am Lovable Keep Reading
I wanted to write something eloquent. But fuck it. In my therapy, I am uncovering decades of hurt, beginning from even before my earliest memories. My counselor asked me the most incredible question I think a therapist could ask someone who is suicidal. “How old do you feel when you
The brokenhearted child Keep Reading
I wrote the post below in March 2010. Fifteen years ago. That is just so crazy to me. But…I’m so glad I came across this old blog post. In it I write, I know there will be rough days ahead, but I’ve already made it through some pretty heavy stuff.
Simple Joy Revisited: Progress Keep Reading
I’ve shared a lot about my mental health challenges which do stem from my childhood and how my mother raised and treated me. I’ve written about my absent biological father which also lends to my mental health challenges. And while mental health is a journey of its own, I want
So, what is The Daughter Journey? Keep Reading
When I read “free” I thought, “What is there to lose!” I knew I would get life-altering clarity, and that’s exactly what I need right now. Authenticity in my actions, my words, my passion, my intent – in all aspects of my life – interpersonal, my marriage, my family relationships,
My Soul Shifting…Day One Keep Reading
“Keep the grass cut low in your life so that the snakes around your life and career are revealed,” Tyrese Gibson said.
Keep Your Grass Cut Low Keep Reading
It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I’m just going to ramble. Not every post has to be eloquent, right? My sister is getting married to a man she’s only known 6 months and who has a
Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles Keep Reading
I never thought of horses as more than a pet for country folk. I wasn’t ever the little girl who asked for a pony for Christmas or my birthday, and I didn’t understand why any girl would. They smell. My first experience with a pony was at a kiddie amusement park
When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Without Notice Keep Reading
My role as identified patient extends beyond my mother…apparently. I spoke up to my immediate family about recent mistreatment I received by my sister’s boyfriend. The result – they sided with him, and the whole thing became about my mental illness. I’m not getting help. But actually I am getting
The Identified Patient Extends to Immediate Family Keep Reading
So my mother, whether rightfully or unrightfully so, gets the blame for my childhood and adulthood challenges. Well, I had a slap-in-the-face epiphany yesterday when I saw a current day photo of my biological father. He looked frail, like a grandpa. And he is a grandpa. There was a picture
I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged lifeLet me speak my concessions while you hold the knifeBloodied
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading
Wound up from the sound of my wounds It seems my seams are splitting with the spiting, hitting, biting fighting When does it end, I’m a child Haunted while you nonchalantly hiss go to your room That’s no escape, that’s no better The yelling only gets louder Smothering or indifferent
The first poem I wrote about being 5 years old and wanting to die Keep Reading
My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the apparent night fallsI’m sure the bugs are doing something but those can stay far away. Yes, even the lady bugs, however cute. I can’t
I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found: October 27, 2010: What do I believe? I’m not good enough. I’m damaged. I don’t have discipline; discipline is
Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One Keep Reading
I came home at 4:30pm smiling after a fairly easy day at work, full of laughter and good conversation with my coworkers. Yes – laughter and contentment at work – I am blessed! I walk into my cozy apartment that I have been keeping clean and organized and taking pride
It’s the little things that mean the most. Keep Reading
I spent some time with a good friend yesterday, but even this didn’t help. I think it made things worse. Despite being 10:30 am on a sunny Saturday, I was having a rough day, so many emotions so early in the day. My friend invited me to lunch. I’d have
“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor guy. I wasn’t intentionally lying. I honestly felt like I was doing soooo great. That was about two weeks ago. Now that I’ve cried
you pick yourself up. you pray for strength. you stop thinking “what could have been” and you get honest about how shitty the relationship was. you burn something, preferably a photo of you and him together, if you haven’t burned them all already. you cry. you crack open that bottle
While reading Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW, I came across tidbits of information regarding traits, characteristics, behaviors, emotions, etc. of adult children of parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’d like to share. “…sons and daughters may feel like they can’t live life independently
Adult Children of Parents with BPD Keep Reading
I feel lonely. I feel lonely and alone in the world. I feel like there is a city bustling outside my walls, laughter and comraderie floating through the air. I have places where I could go and people I could be around. In fact, I’ve received a few invites just
Lonely Contentment Keep Reading
Is today the day? Has the time finally arrived when I say, “Enough is enough”? When I never look back? When I charge forward propelled with the same force that has held me back year after year, failure after failure…? When will it happen? Will I let it happen? Will
Prayer of Questions Keep Reading
“Hey, Hoe!” Sarah “sang” in tune to the Naughty by Nature song. No song was playing. But she was playing me. About 6 weeks prior we had been at a birthday party with older boys, just a couple years older, but we, the girls, were 14 and they, the boys,
Twenty-six Years Ago: part one Keep Reading
I am an avid listener to Joyce Meyer’s audio podcasts of her television and radio programs. Jesus speaks to me so clearly through her messages. And, Joyce Meyer speaks often about her childhood – she came from a horrible, broken place…and through it all she didn’t just survive, but she
A Lady Named Joyce Keep Reading
Joyce Meyer recently preached about how silence feeds our fears, our regrets, and our sorrows. She said one of the best things we can do is talk to someone about our pain, get it out in the open, and not suffer silently and alone. For me personally, I need help
Silent Expectations Keep Reading
It was a Monday about 3 years ago. I had a super depressed day, spent all day in bed on Saturday. Did some crying, felt like I wanted to disconnect from everyone in my life. I thought, “After my husband goes to work is the perfect time to hang myself.
The day my dog saved my life Keep Reading
Here are my thoughts after reading Nouwen’s imperative titled, Trust Your Friends. “Much of your ability to trust your friends depends on your belief in your own goodness.” I kept reading these words of Nouwen over and over. I couldn’t think about anything else in this imperative other than “your
The “Good Enough” Self-Talk Keep Reading
I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers. My mother’s emotions were bat crazy; she was in and
Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading
Passages that stop you, keep you from going forward so you can begin to travel inward–inward toward experiences that you thought only you had. A difficult past, the yearning to just get out of your current condition with the current condition being home. Knowing your day-to-day isn’t normal as you
House Rules by Rachel Sontag Keep Reading
I have one little task on my to-do list that I have been putting off…and putting off…..and, well you get the idea. And…surprisingly it’s the one thing that I have been so dedicated to keeping up with – working out…specifically running! Over a decade ago, I was at the 20
…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there it is. Why do I think this post is probably
This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading
Today was one of those days…where 7 days feel crammed into one, with all of a week’s worth of errands to run, tasks to complete, and emotions to flow crazily through my body. I was happy yet sad, patient yet frustrated, giving yet stubborn. I loved my life one minute,
[Emotional] Rollercoaster Keep Reading
So I couldn’t sleep tonight…well yesterday to be exact. So I thought, “Let’s just get the day started. I can blog. I can craft. I can take my Vyvanse.” There. That’s it. The big one. Vyvanse. As I sit here typing to whoever wants to read someone’s sleepless ramblings, this
Midnight Type: Let’s Get the Day Started Keep Reading
Eyes open. I am naked in a bed next to a man who is naked.Heavy, pounding pain with the pace and purpose of a fetal heartbeat fills my head. My mouth and throat are bone dry. My body is heavy and begs me to go back to sleep. Sleep where? My
Sex with a Stranger Keep Reading
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I didn’t see him for several years. “Why doesn’t he want me?” I remember crying out to my mother. I had a wallet sized picture
About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking about killing myself every day. I had a plan, I had written my letters to friends and family, I just had to muster up
Kristin on Ketamine Keep Reading
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood and early adulthood. It hurts to know, to finally understand,
I’m still relevant Keep Reading
I told myself after my evening walk I would write something. Anything. So this is it. I’ve been listening to music all day. Work went well. I survived my commute – both ways. I found the motivation to go on a 2-mile walk. God is good. With joy, K
Just write something Keep Reading
“The loneliest place is a lonely marriage,” my counselor Paige told me. I knew she was right then, and her words ring true to me at this very moment. Is this just a challenge of marriage, feeling hatred toward my spouse, or is this “the lonely place”? Trust can’t be
The loneliest place Keep Reading
After talking with my counselor today, I left her office with a question. An internal question. What is holding me back from going after my dreams? My work and career are near perfect. I’m doing what I love, which inspires me in my personal life. And the creative things I
Quick Ponder: Dreams Unexplored Keep Reading
If you read this blog then you know I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, whether they are fresh on the scene or just new to me. I am on Spotify all day every day making playlists, looking up artists, seeing what artists are recommended based on my listening,
To Aries from a Libra Keep Reading
I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
Giving up things of the world Keep Reading
I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling my insights. I’m trying to live a better life. I’ve made so many boneheaded mistakes as an adult. I’m very hard on myself. If
Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl Keep Reading
It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say childhood trauma, I’m not referring to physical abuse or sexual abuse, neither of which I have experienced (surprisingly, considering the amount and quality of
I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I don’t even believe it. I cannot watch this man deteriorate. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with Alzheimer’s and I can’t imagine seeing my dad
Let’s look at my history with alcohol. Multiple arguments, the ending of relationships, the ending of going to school, the ending of a fresh reputation. For those reasons alone I would think that I am a person who should not drink. Yet I do. I am, to this day, so
To Drink or Not to Drink Keep Reading
I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to keep you interested in reading. I’m also afraid that if I don’t blog everyday that I’ll go back into writing hibernation where I wasn’t
This Journey I’m On Keep Reading
I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close my eyes for a few minutes but then I start getting antsy, my mind wanders and meditation is the last thing on my mind.
Freedom in Forgiveness Keep Reading
Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg of the journey” because previously I was feeling great, I noticeably felt well all around. The messages I’m reading are completely flipping the script
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book. It’s a lot of positivity that is entering my brain
Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading
Today’s Rituals for Transformation message is to make time for stillness. Still my mind. Still my thoughts. Gently pull myself back to stillness when I find myself going down rabbit holes. I identify with stillness more than meditation, even though meditation is essentially stillness. Maybe I just need to find
Making space for stillness Keep Reading
My mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or can I? Can I expect to have “rad” days (as rated on my mood tracker) everyday? I suppose I can. But will I? (Not
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find peace in knowing that friends and family may one day come across my blog. That is scary to me. What will they think? Will
It’s only a matter of time Keep Reading
I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go into the office but I worked from home. I just didn’t have it in me to get up and ready for the day. So
Today was a sad day Keep Reading
I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind the music I listen to. Needless to say, I did a lot of research on Lil Peep, I learned about GothBoiClique the music collective
Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings Keep Reading
I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact with my biological father). Yes, I have supportive people in my life like my mother-in-law, the man I call my dad who helped raised
There’s just something about her Keep Reading
I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to me as much as it’s a promise to you. It also just makes sense. I will continue to journal by hand because I read
I’m working through Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life. Each day calls for morning and evening meditation followed by journaling. Today I thought, “What if I blogged my meditation writings?” My mind works so much faster than my hand when writing PLUS I’d be sharing my
Two birds, one stone Keep Reading
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him a lot. Therefore, I cry a lot. His music makes
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or Oscar the Grouch (he lives in a trashcan afterall). Depression
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had several bird features and even a bird bath! Can you imagine being a kid and watching birds land on this statue-esque structure and clean
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep and I had some work to do so I said,
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings Keep Reading
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an extent, I hope it does. But we’re all adults so
The Other Scarlet Letter Keep Reading
I’m sitting outside. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I imagine the neighborhood kids are already in bed, along with their parents and pets. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I’m inhaling and exhaling these full breaths and I feel my shoulders release and my stomach untightens. I’m going to look into doing more
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to you about it in real time. But I soon realized
Laying it out there Keep Reading
I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today I was out of bed by 8 am, took care
Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward Keep Reading
This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel really good when our analytics show we’re getting a lot of exposure. And if these tweets don’t get likes then I feel myself getting
The Instagram Effect Keep Reading
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to thinking, I’ll be that age in 20 years. I was
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday that alcohol has ended so many relationships that actuallhy had
It’s not all Vyvanse’s fault. I mismanaged my prescription today (i.e. took a second pill at 4 pm), but I had to do work. And I can only do work hyped up on Vyvanse. I don’t want the adderall anymore; it puts me in an aggressive mood and doesn’t do
Another Sleepless Night brought to you by Vyvanse Keep Reading
This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, thus I have the Emotionally Absent Mother class which wrapped up about 45 minutes ago. I’m just kind of sitting with myself, listening to
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I saw it – the ministry’s address – Ohio. Ohio! Really?
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me, “I never knew if you were going to show up
Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance Keep Reading
I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs at least one friend. My friendlessness is due to two main reasons: I sabotaged the relationships I did have, and I isolate myself from
When You Have No Friends Keep Reading
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake the downers to come down from the uppers. It leaves
On the journey of med adherence Keep Reading
It’s getting really tiring having these discoveries hit me again and again. I am in the season of new beginnings, new blessings, forgiving myself – forgiveness I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to do. I’m such a shame there’s no way to even come close to forgiveness. What an
I’m not good enough – on purpose? Keep Reading
Random thoughts on a random day. Kind of not a random day as Labor Day was yesterday. I didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and sleep. That sounds so pitiful to me. That’s not normal, is it? I need guidance because I am very confused. I need to know what
Afternoon Journaling Keep Reading
I actually forgot I had written my most recent blog post, you know the one about consistency and “we’ll see how long this lasts.” Well I hopped on my computer at 2:00 a.m. this morning because I couldn’t sleep because I took a stimulant medication at midnight. Why? My stimulant
A.M. Ponderings: Medication Adherence Keep Reading
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m nearing the “now or never” age and I’m finding myself not ready. I’m still healing emotionally and mentally, my book is underway, and I
Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted Keep Reading
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to ramble about my thoughts and experiences I’ve had through the day, ruminating thoughts, bouts of depression, sky high anxiety…you know all the good sunshine
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will not have a life different from the one you have
Three Decades of Beliefs Keep Reading
My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should not get too caught up or worried about “form,” because eventually paragraphs and pages will begin falling into place and one’s writing will begin
The Brief: How I Survived Childhood Keep Reading
Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how books are written. The author writes. Writes a lot. And I have not been writing. Anything. But now I am. Could this post get
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came into my life, it wasn’t until the past few years that I was able to put my self-deprecating actions into words. Self-sabotage. Education, finances,
A Frenchman and a Child Keep Reading
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close to Bartok. While she has a schizophrenic mother, I have an emotionally ill mother. Not to say that I am not an emotionally ill
…that which bring healing. Keep Reading
It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on the same scale of “how the hell am I going to do this today?” I am now married — no longer the damaged person
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel the author. My mother was a key player, of course. But I was surprised how she took the role of both the father and
Rules to be Written Keep Reading
Can there be growth without struggle? I switch back and forth between contentment, anger, and sadness. One constant is that I always feel blessed. How can I feel sad and blessed at the same time? I really don’t understand my emotions. I have a lot of really good things happening
Ramblings about Growth and Struggle Keep Reading
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control
I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still surprise me with what that woman is capable of doing and saying. What if she gets a hold of my writing and starts a
Wandering through the Woes Keep Reading
I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it. She gave me a week to think of a very painful event in my life. In all honesty, I
It’s gratitude season for me. I have been recognizing all that I am blessed with and how, no matter how severe my depression and challenging motherless daughter journey gets, I have so.many.blessings. And what is wonderful about this realization is I am taking action. I’m not letting the realization just
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she projects. So, maybe she is actually saying may God have mercy on her soul. Just maybe. All this Borderline talk has me feeling a
And this too shall pass Keep Reading
These are the words my mother left me with after finding me on Etsy. ETSY! How she found me can only be due to her stalker-rific online behavior. First, she messaged me on Etsy a few times asking about my artwork and if I can customize. I didn’t realize it
May God Have Mercy on Your Soul Keep Reading
Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I felt out of place and like I was wearing a sign that said “Not Related.” I would excuse myself and go walk around by
Learning to be Loved Keep Reading
I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were very interesting. The first of the two seemed like smooth sailing when I began. But I started to feel irritated and a little angry.
Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be real?” Talking with my counselor earlier this week, she said something very Oprah-esque. “You either struggle backward or you struggle forward.” As my counselor
I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept – I’m good enough where I am. Sure, I could be better, healthier, skinnier. But that doesn’t make me good. I am already good. Enough. I haven’t decided what I’m going
You are always enough. Keep Reading
I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel, if it brings you to a place – 5-years-old, 20-years-old, wherever you go, tell yourself, “This, too. This, too, needs a voice. This, too,
The Voice of Forgiveness Keep Reading
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so. I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for me to be a “house-girlfriend.” That was until we added
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future Keep Reading
Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes the importance of reading: you cannot be a good author and tell the story you want to tell without being an avid reader. The
My Mother and Domestic Violence Keep Reading
Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. They leave me with no motivation or sense of importance or urgency with anything.
Steps in All Directons Keep Reading
Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my chaotic home life, a safe place where I could be a care-free child without fear of criticism or rejection. When the fighting between my
Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace Keep Reading
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I carried those behaviors with me as I entered middle school,
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression Keep Reading
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments of “spacing out”. But with all of this pain and
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors Keep Reading
As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense of clarity from my current feelings of neglect, misunderstanding and guilt for my recent actions and thoughts. I chose Making All Things New.
I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course. But I’ve opened up to this group of strangers more than I’ve opened up to anyone in my life, husband and counselor included.
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And there she was, asking me questions that I didn’t want to answer — “Where are you living?” “Where are you working?” “I don’t even
Bridal Shower Boundaries Keep Reading
“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by something she was saying. I don’t even remember what it was about. This same girl, the day before, stormed off from Auntie Anne’s in
Pretzels Before Pain Keep Reading
“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where did the problems I was born into end and the ones I created begin? What if it’s all the same, one continuum of a
I’ve had some pep in my step the last few days. I’ve cleaned, organized…which are things I so do not do. But the husband and I talked about children the other night, a talk that left me crying, but in the days following brought some light into the subject. He
As I walked toward the stable, I noticed how quiet it was. Literally, there were no noises, just the occasional bird chirping or tree leaves rustling from the wind. No traffic, no television, and no phone. I was completely disconnected from the world. I thought to myself, “This is a
When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Not Without Worry Keep Reading
This is a “just because” post. Just because I’m feeling good. And feisty. Have you heard the phrase, “Keep your grass cut low.” That’s where I’m at right now. Reevaluating relationships with painful realizations that things may never be the same again. “How melodramatic!” my husband would say. But it’s
The “Just Because” Post Keep Reading
This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me, truly, and care about me unconditionally, then you will read
Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading
I was instantly engaged and memories were flooding through my head, negative and positive, with peace in knowing that needing to feel validated is okay, as the author says. The Foreword said to me, “this book will be a part of your journey to healing.” So on I read.
Another Borderline Book Keep Reading