Biological Blues
So my mother, whether rightfully or unrightfully so, gets the blame for my childhood and adulthood challenges. Well, I had a slap-in-the-face epiphany yesterday when I […]
Wandering Child
I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I
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The first poem I wrote about being 5 years old and wanting to die
Wound up from the sound of my wounds It seems my seams are splitting with the spiting, hitting, biting fighting When does it end, I’m a
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The Eclipse Edit
My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the
So, what is The Daughter Journey?
I’ve shared a lot about my mental health challenges which do stem from my childhood and how my mother raised and treated me. I’ve written about
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Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles
It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I’m just going to ramble. Not
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Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One
I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and
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It’s the little things that mean the most.
I came home at 4:30pm smiling after a fairly easy day at work, full of laughter and good conversation with my coworkers. Yes – laughter and
It’s the little things that mean the most. Read More »
Loss
I spent some time with a good friend yesterday, but even this didn’t help. I think it made things worse. Despite being 10:30 am on a
The Farce Report
“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor
When you find out your ex is married with a baby on the way and you’re still getting drunk in bars…
you pick yourself up. you pray for strength. you stop thinking “what could have been” and you get honest about how shitty the relationship was. you
Adult Children of Parents with BPD
While reading Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW, I came across tidbits of information regarding traits, characteristics, behaviors, emotions, etc. of
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Lonely Contentment
I feel lonely. I feel lonely and alone in the world. I feel like there is a city bustling outside my walls, laughter and comraderie floating
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Prayer of Questions
Is today the day? Has the time finally arrived when I say, “Enough is enough”? When I never look back? When I charge forward propelled with
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Twenty-six Years Ago: part one
“Hey, Hoe!” Sarah “sang” in tune to the Naughty by Nature song. No song was playing. But she was playing me. About 6 weeks prior we
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A Lady Named Joyce
I am an avid listener to Joyce Meyer’s audio podcasts of her television and radio programs. Jesus speaks to me so clearly through her messages. And,
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Silent Expectations
Joyce Meyer recently preached about how silence feeds our fears, our regrets, and our sorrows. She said one of the best things we can do is
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The day my dog saved my life
It was a Monday about 3 years ago. I had a super depressed day, spent all day in bed on Saturday. Did some crying, felt like
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The “Good Enough” Self-Talk
Here are my thoughts after reading Nouwen’s imperative titled, Trust Your Friends. “Much of your ability to trust your friends depends on your belief in your
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Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet”
I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first
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House Rules by Rachel Sontag
Passages that stop you, keep you from going forward so you can begin to travel inward–inward toward experiences that you thought only you had. A difficult
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Ready to Run
I have one little task on my to-do list that I have been putting off…and putting off…..and, well you get the idea. And…surprisingly it’s the one
This post is probably a “no-no”
…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old
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[Emotional] Rollercoaster
Today was one of those days…where 7 days feel crammed into one, with all of a week’s worth of errands to run, tasks to complete, and
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Midnight Type: Let’s Get the Day Started
So I couldn’t sleep tonight…well yesterday to be exact. So I thought, “Let’s just get the day started. I can blog. I can craft. I can
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Sex with a Stranger
Eyes open. I am naked in a bed next to a man who is naked. Heavy, pounding pain with the pace and purpose of a fetal
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The “F” Word
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I
Kristin on Ketamine
About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking
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I’m still relevant
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant.
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Just write something
I told myself after my evening walk I would write something. Anything. So this is it. I’ve been listening to music all day. Work went well.
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The loneliest place
“The loneliest place is a lonely marriage,” my counselor Paige told me. I knew she was right then, and her words ring true to me at
The loneliest place Read More »
Quick Ponder: Dreams Unexplored
After talking with my counselor today, I left her office with a question. An internal question. What is holding me back from going after my dreams?
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To Aries from a Libra
If you read this blog then you know I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, whether they are fresh on the scene or just new
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Giving up things of the world
I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
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Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl
I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling
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Birthday Blues
It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say
And so I abide
I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I
To Drink or Not to Drink
Let’s look at my history with alcohol. Multiple arguments, the ending of relationships, the ending of going to school, the ending of a fresh reputation. For
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This Journey I’m On
I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to
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Freedom in Forgiveness
I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close
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Lackluster
Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg
Doubt is a Mother
I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer.
Getting rid of the icky
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling.
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Making space for stillness
Today’s Rituals for Transformation message is to make time for stillness. Still my mind. Still my thoughts. Gently pull myself back to stillness when I find
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Sharing my truth
My mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or
It’s only a matter of time
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find
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Today was a sad day
I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go
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Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings
I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind
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There’s just something about her
I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact
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Day 1/Day 18
I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to
Two birds, one stone
I’m working through Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life. Each day calls for morning and evening meditation followed by journaling. Today I
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108 Day Journey
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my
Winter in Spring
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that
My World Awakens
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually
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The Other Scarlet Letter
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you
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Quiet Breath
I’m sitting outside. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I imagine the neighborhood kids are already in bed, along with their parents and pets. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet.
Laying it out there
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart
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Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward
I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went
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The Instagram Effect
This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel
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Sunrise
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out,
Peculiar
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences
Another Sleepless Night brought to you by Vyvanse
It’s not all Vyvanse’s fault. I mismanaged my prescription today (i.e. took a second pill at 4 pm), but I had to do work. And I
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RandomRamblings
This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all,
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website,
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Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance
The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always
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When You Have No Friends
I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs
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On the journey of med adherence
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to
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I’m not good enough – on purpose?
It’s getting really tiring having these discoveries hit me again and again. I am in the season of new beginnings, new blessings, forgiving myself – forgiveness
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Afternoon Journaling
Random thoughts on a random day. Kind of not a random day as Labor Day was yesterday. I didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and sleep.
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A.M. Ponderings: Medication Adherence
I actually forgot I had written my most recent blog post, you know the one about consistency and “we’ll see how long this lasts.” Well I
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Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m
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P.M. Ponderings
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to
Three Decades of Beliefs
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end
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The Brief: How I Survived Childhood
My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should
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Junk in my Trunk
Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how
A Frenchman and a Child
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came
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…that which bring healing.
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close
…that which bring healing. Read More »
Belonging
It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on
Rules to be Written
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel
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Ramblings about Growth and Struggle
Can there be growth without struggle? I switch back and forth between contentment, anger, and sadness. One constant is that I always feel blessed. How can
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#7 and #8
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or
Wandering through the Woes
I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still
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Got Anger?
I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at
Gratitude Season
It’s gratitude season for me. I have been recognizing all that I am blessed with and how, no matter how severe my depression and challenging motherless
And this too shall pass
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she
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May God Have Mercy on Your Soul
These are the words my mother left me with after finding me on Etsy. ETSY! How she found me can only be due to her stalker-rific
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Learning to be Loved
Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I
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Symptoms of BPD
I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were
Struggle Forward
Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be
You are always enough.
I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept – I’m good enough where I am.
You are always enough. Read More »
The Voice of Forgiveness
I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel,
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The Identified Patient
One of the things I love about blogging, even though I am in my beginning stages and have a very small following, is that I can
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Revisiting the Past for a Better Future
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable
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My Mother and Domestic Violence
Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes
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Steps in All Directons
Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2
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Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace
Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my
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Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of
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The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During
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Nouwen Again
As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense
Accept the kindness from your inner self, and share your journey to nourish your mind and body, and yours alone
I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course.
Bridal Shower Boundaries
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And
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Pretzels Before Pain
“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by
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Sore, Not Soar
“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where
Bit by Bit
I’ve had some pep in my step the last few days. I’ve cleaned, organized…which are things I so do not do. But the husband and I