The Daughter Journey: Healing My Way to a Better Life

You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it.

The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. […]

You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading

big steps forward, birthday, blogging to be better, boundaries, childhood, clarity, counseling, depression, family, getting over my past, grief and loss, growth, healing, journaling, ketamine, living a better story, looking forward, loving myself today, medication, memoir, mother, moving forward, passing of time, progress, relationships, september, sisters, taking control, transformation, writing

An Evening I Will Not Forget

Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his

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big steps forward, books, childhood, community, feelings, getting over my past, growth, healing, inner child, inspiration, living a better story, meeting new people, memoir, mother, mothers, moving forward, music, pain, progress, relationships, self talk, taking control, transformation, writespace, writing

Changing the Course of a Day

The following blog post is exactly why I journal and publish for all to read. I love reading the insight I gained in the exact moment I gained it. Fifteen years ago I felt so lost, as I outline in

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bad day, big steps forward, blessings, challenges, choices, emotions, getting out of bed, getting over my past, hope, just do it, living a better story, loving myself today, marathon training, mood cycles, moving forward, pushing myself, reflection, running, scripture, self talk

Holding space for love and trauma

I’m balancing writing about the fond and good memories I have as a childhood with some real trauma I experienced. I’m trying to hold space for love for both sides of those responsible for my trauma, for they were also

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balance, childhood, family, love, memoir, memories, prayer, trauma, writespace, writing

body map trauma kindness generous sacred anxiety excitement grow evolve grow identity head in clouds journey

Overcoming Through Writing

Very recently, I attended a workshop about overcoming your trauma through writing. W.T.F. When I first came across the name of the workshop, which was hosted by Writespace where I’ve attended many workshops in the past, I thought, “This is

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anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, beauty, big magic, blogging to be better, books, change, childhood, choices, clarity, closure, community, connection, courage, creativity, emotions, enjoy the journey, memoir, reflection, sacred, self love, soul, soul awakening, surrender, survival, transformation, transparency, trauma, truth, worrying, writespace, writing

New Understanding: The Moment

There are moments in your life where you just “get it”. You suddenly understand life and all it has to offer–all you have to offer. The lightbulb in your soul clicks on for a second and leaves just the same.

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counseling, depression, moments, new understanding, reflection

Scrap about It

Since I was a little girl, I’ve loved looking at magazines and cutting out pictures and words that were moving me at the time. I started up this hobby again about 3 years ago. And, I do worry that it’s

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authentic self, counseling, creativity, hobbies, loving myself today, magazines, scrapbooking

Hopeful and Happy

I had a very important meeting yesterday that will have a big impact on the future of my career. It was in the big city about 2 hours north of where I live. I left early and spent the morning

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applying to jobs, big steps forward, career search, choices, enjoy the journey, family, getting over my past, growth, healing, life is what you make it, living a better story, running, work

The Song of My Soul

Sitting at my desk filled with empty beer bottles lingering from two weekends past, I write. I kept the cans as a souvenir from my last trip, the trip I took down memory lane, the same trip I’ve taken every

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authenticity, childhood, family, freedom, getting over my past, music, pain, transparency, writing

Doubt is a Mother

I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. I don’t know why these people keep me in their lives — maybe they

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bad day, beliefs, blogging to be better, childhood, doubt, getting over my past, identity, mistakes, mother, uncertainty, where do I fit in?

Potter’s Closure

I started off on journey, not toward closure specifically but a journey toward a better life, toward a newer, healthier version of myself. I am seeing a counselor regularly. I have been on medication for several months now. I am

Potter’s Closure Keep Reading

books, childhood, closure, confusion, counseling, depression, emotions, family, freedom, heartache, medication, mistakes, pain, relationships, running, sadness, transparency, writing

The Core

Traveling back to March 2015 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes. Reading this blog is kind of neat — it’s like a not-so-secret diary where I

The Core Keep Reading

authentic self, blogging to be better, counseling, depression, getting over my past, healing, small self

journal on a desk next to a blue mug of coffee and danish

weeping may endure for a night

The fear of writing the wrong first word…yes, the very first word…fearing that it will be the wrong word that the judges won’t like has held me back from entering writing competitions in the past. I’m not writing to enter

weeping may endure for a night Keep Reading

ah-ha moments, big steps forward, blessings, blogging to be better, change, choices, fear, glory, memoir, Random, writing

New Understanding: I am Lovable

The subject of love has been on my mind since I set out on my journey. Love, a strange emotion that I don’t really understand and unsure if I’ve ever really felt – love – pure, without bitterness or regret,

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childhood, family, friendship, Henri Nouwen, Jesus, Joyce Meyer, love, mistakes, new understanding

The brokenhearted child

I wanted to write something eloquent. But fuck it. In my therapy, I am uncovering decades of hurt, beginning from even before my earliest memories. My counselor asked me the most incredible question I think a therapist could ask someone

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acceptance, authenticity, beliefs, big steps forward, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, confusion, drinking, drug use, drugs, suicide

Simple Joy Revisited: Progress

I wrote the post below in March 2010. Fifteen years ago. That is just so crazy to me. But…I’m so glad I came across this old blog post. In it I write, I know there will be rough days ahead,

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big steps forward, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grace, gratitude, growth, hope, simple joy

So, what is The Daughter Journey?

I’ve shared a lot about my mental health challenges which do stem from my childhood and how my mother raised and treated me. I’ve written about my absent biological father which also lends to my mental health challenges. And while

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blogging to be better, childhood, children, emotions, family, inner child, mother, mothers, transparency, writing

My Soul Shifting…Day One

When I read “free” I thought, “What is there to lose!” I knew I would get life-altering clarity, and that’s exactly what I need right now. Authenticity in my actions, my words, my passion, my intent – in all aspects

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authentic self, dragontree, dreams, fear, loving myself today, marriage, relationships

family,sisters,relationships,unconditional love

Keep Your Grass Cut Low

“Keep the grass cut low in your life so that the snakes around your life and career are revealed,” Tyrese Gibson said.

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big steps forward, boundaries, church, clarity, decisions, family, forgiveness, freedom, friendship, relationships, sisters, transformation, truth

Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles

It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I’m just going to ramble. Not every post has to be eloquent, right? My sister is getting married to a

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addiction, alcohol, beach, childhood, family, getting over my past, memories, mother, moving forward, sisters, truth

When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Without Notice

I never thought of horses as more than a pet for country folk. I wasn’t ever the little girl who asked for a pony for Christmas or my birthday, and I didn’t understand why any girl would. They smell. My first

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equine assisted therapy, healing, horses, lisa wingate, soul awakening

The Identified Patient Extends to Immediate Family

My role as identified patient extends beyond my mother…apparently. I spoke up to my immediate family about recent mistreatment I received by my sister’s boyfriend. The result – they sided with him, and the whole thing became about my mental

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blogging to be better, boundaries, childhood, choices, clarity, compassion, control, counseling, courage, family, father, growth, healing, identity, loving myself today, mental illness, mother, moving forward, new understanding, patterns, redemption, reflection, relationships, resilience, self love, sisters, stability, suicide, transformation, transparency

Biological Blues

So my mother, whether rightfully or unrightfully so, gets the blame for my childhood and adulthood challenges. Well, I had a slap-in-the-face epiphany yesterday when I saw a current day photo of my biological father. He looked frail, like a

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beliefs, birthday, emotions, family, father, feelings, mother, Random, september, suicide

Wandering Child

I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged

Wandering Child Keep Reading

childhood, choices, deceit, drinking, drug use, feelings, getting over my past, grace, grief and loss, growth, guilt, healing, inner child, loving myself today, manipulation, marriage, memoir, ownership, pain, passing of time, Random, redemption, reflection, regret, relationships, sabotage, sadness, small self, struggles, transparency, truth

The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me

Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things

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childhood, confusion, depression, freedom, getting over my past, grace, healing, inner child, living a better story, manipulation, mistakes, mother, mothers, redemption, reflection, suicide, writing

The first poem I wrote about being 5 years old and wanting to die

Wound up from the sound of my wounds It seems my seams are splitting with the spiting, hitting, biting fighting When does it end, I’m a child Haunted while you nonchalantly hiss go to your room That’s no escape, that’s

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childhood, domestic violence, poem, suicide

The Eclipse Edit

My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the apparent night fallsI’m sure the bugs are doing something but those can stay far

The Eclipse Edit Keep Reading

acceptance, ah-ha moments, authentic self, authenticity, balance, beauty, big magic, clarity, cleanse, closure, getting over my past, healing, life, moments, reflection, self love, soul awakening, surrender, today, transformation

Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One

I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found: October 27, 2010: What do I believe? I’m not

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authentic self, big steps forward, blogging to be better, getting over my past, growth, healing, hope, journaling, living a better story, passing of time, progress, reflection, small self, transformation

It’s the little things that mean the most.

I came home at 4:30pm smiling after a fairly easy day at work, full of laughter and good conversation with my coworkers. Yes – laughter and contentment at work – I am blessed! I walk into my cozy apartment that

It’s the little things that mean the most. Keep Reading

ah-ha moments, beauty, blessings, contentment, emotions, gratitude, Jesus, love, new understanding, peace, reflection, simplicity

Loss

I spent some time with a good friend yesterday, but even this didn’t help. I think it made things worse. Despite being 10:30 am on a sunny Saturday, I was having a rough day, so many emotions so early in

Loss Keep Reading

confusion, friendship, healing, life, life is hard, living below my potential, sadness, struggles

The Farce Report

“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor guy. I wasn’t intentionally lying. I honestly felt like I was doing soooo great.

The Farce Report Keep Reading

anger, anxiety, childhood, counseling, depression, doubt, freaking out, getting out of bed, getting over my past, living below my potential, mental illness, psychiatrist, sadness, struggles, stuck, uncertainty

When you find out your ex is married with a baby on the way and you’re still getting drunk in bars…

you pick yourself up. you pray for strength. you stop thinking “what could have been” and you get honest about how shitty the relationship was. you burn something, preferably a photo of you and him together, if you haven’t burned

When you find out your ex is married with a baby on the way and you’re still getting drunk in bars… Keep Reading

change, emotions, heartache, loneliness, love

borderline personality disorder,children,adult

Adult Children of Parents with BPD

While reading Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW, I came across tidbits of information regarding traits, characteristics, behaviors, emotions, etc. of adult children of parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’d like to share. “…sons

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books, borderline, challenges, childhood, children, mother

Lonely Contentment

I feel lonely. I feel lonely and alone in the world. I feel like there is a city bustling outside my walls, laughter and comraderie floating through the air. I have places where I could go and people I could

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big steps forward, binge drinking, contentment, drinking, healing, loneliness, reflection

Prayer of Questions

Is today the day? Has the time finally arrived when I say, “Enough is enough”? When I never look back? When I charge forward propelled with the same force that has held me back year after year, failure after failure…?

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confusion, getting over my past, Jesus, pain, regret, sadness

Twenty-six Years Ago: part one

“Hey, Hoe!” Sarah “sang” in tune to the Naughty by Nature song. No song was playing. But she was playing me. About 6 weeks prior we had been at a birthday party with older boys, just a couple years older,

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boundaries, memoir

A Lady Named Joyce

I am an avid listener to Joyce Meyer’s audio podcasts of her television and radio programs. Jesus speaks to me so clearly through her messages. And, Joyce Meyer speaks often about her childhood – she came from a horrible, broken

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blessings, grace, healing, Jesus, Joyce Meyer, soul awakening

Silent Expectations

Joyce Meyer recently preached about how silence feeds our fears, our regrets, and our sorrows. She said one of the best things we can do is talk to someone about our pain, get it out in the open, and not

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childhood, reflection, sadness

The day my dog saved my life

It was a Monday about 3 years ago. I had a super depressed day, spent all day in bed on Saturday. Did some crying, felt like I wanted to disconnect from everyone in my life. I thought, “After my husband

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anxiety, bad day, challenges, chocolate, death, deceit, depression, dying, emotions, feelings, food, life is hard, mental illness, sabotage, sadness, self-sabotage, shame, suicide

The “Good Enough” Self-Talk

Here are my thoughts after reading Nouwen’s imperative titled, Trust Your Friends. “Much of your ability to trust your friends depends on your belief in your own goodness.” I kept reading these words of Nouwen over and over. I couldn’t

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depression, finding my place, Henri Nouwen, loneliness, self loathing, self talk

Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet”

I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers.

Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading

acceptance, childhood, church, counseling, depression, drinking, emotions, family, getting over my past, growth, Henri Nouwen, hope, love, medication, relationships

House Rules by Rachel Sontag

Passages that stop you, keep you from going forward so you can begin to travel inward–inward toward experiences that you thought only you had. A difficult past, the yearning to just get out of your current condition with the current

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books, counseling, getting over my past, mothers, Rachel Sontag, reading

Ready to Run

I have one little task on my to-do list that I have been putting off…and putting off…..and, well you get the idea. And…surprisingly it’s the one thing that I have been so dedicated to keeping up with – working out…specifically

Ready to Run Keep Reading

big steps forward, commitment, exercise, marathon training, pushing myself, running

This post is probably a “no-no”

…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there

This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading

ah-ha moments, authentic self, baggage, beliefs, blogging to be better, borderline, childhood, domestic violence, emotions, family, father, fear, getting over my past, healing, inner child, mother, soul awakening, transformation

[Emotional] Rollercoaster

Today was one of those days…where 7 days feel crammed into one, with all of a week’s worth of errands to run, tasks to complete, and emotions to flow crazily through my body. I was happy yet sad, patient yet

[Emotional] Rollercoaster Keep Reading

blessings, blogging to be better, choices, contentment, emotions, enjoy the journey, healing, Joyce Meyer, life is what you make it, mood cycles, reflection, taking control

Midnight Type: Let’s Get the Day Started

So I couldn’t sleep tonight…well yesterday to be exact. So I thought, “Let’s just get the day started. I can blog. I can craft. I can take my Vyvanse.” There. That’s it. The big one. Vyvanse. As I sit here

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addiction, adhd, getting out of bed, medication, mental illness, mistakes, psychiatrist, today, vyvanse, writing

Sex with a Stranger

Eyes open. I am naked in a bed next to a man who is naked.Heavy, pounding pain with the pace and purpose of a fetal heartbeat fills my head. My mouth and throat are bone dry. My body is heavy and

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choices, counseling, getting over my past, guilt, memories, mistakes, promiscuity, shame, small self, stuck

The “F” Word

I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I didn’t see him for several years. “Why doesn’t he want me?” I remember crying

The “F” Word Keep Reading

anxiety, childhood, depression, family, father, feelings, mother, suicide

Kristin on Ketamine

About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking about killing myself every day. I had a plan, I had written my letters

Kristin on Ketamine Keep Reading

anxiety, depression, ketamine, missing work because of depression, psychiatrist, suicide

I’m still relevant

I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood

I’m still relevant Keep Reading

authentic self, authenticity, baggage, beliefs, blogging to be better, borderline, childhood, doubt, emotions, feelings, finding my place, getting over my past, growth, guilt, inner child, inner critic, living a better story, love, loving myself today, mistakes, moving forward, ownership, pain, questions, self-sabotage, survival, truth

Just write something

I told myself after my evening walk I would write something. Anything. So this is it. I’ve been listening to music all day. Work went well. I survived my commute – both ways. I found the motivation to go on

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Random

The loneliest place

“The loneliest place is a lonely marriage,” my counselor Paige told me. I knew she was right then, and her words ring true to me at this very moment. Is this just a challenge of marriage, feeling hatred toward my

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challenges, domestic violence, forgiveness, marriage, truth

lighthouse, starry sky, universe-6785763.jpg

Quick Ponder: Dreams Unexplored

After talking with my counselor today, I left her office with a question. An internal question. What is holding me back from going after my dreams? My work and career are near perfect. I’m doing what I love, which inspires

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ah-ha moments, anxiety, blogging to be better, challenges, change, counseling, creativity, truth

To Aries from a Libra

If you read this blog then you know I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, whether they are fresh on the scene or just new to me. I am on Spotify all day every day making playlists, looking up

To Aries from a Libra Keep Reading

Aries, boundaries, music

Giving up things of the world

I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?

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acceptance, adderall, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, baggage, beach, beliefs, binge drinking, blogging to be better, borderline, boundaries, depression, father, Jesus, living a better story, living below my potential, loneliness, loving myself today, memoir, memories, mental illness, mother

Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl

I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling my insights. I’m trying to live a better life. I’ve made so many boneheaded

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acceptance, beliefs, bible study, blessings, books, dragontree, finding my place, forgiveness, freedom, friendship, fruit of the spirit, growth, happiness, healing, Jesus, living a better story, putting God first, reading, redemption, Rituals for Transformation, scripture, self love, transformation, truth, uncertainty, writing

watercolour, watercolor, paint-2053247.jpg

Birthday Blues

It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say childhood trauma, I’m not referring to physical abuse or sexual abuse, neither of which

Birthday Blues Keep Reading

counseling, feelings, forgiveness, grief and loss, guilt, inner child, living a better story, mental illness, Random, regret, relationships, resentment, sadness, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, stability, struggles, stuck, surrender, survival, tomorrow, transformation, transparency, uncertainty

And so I abide

I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I don’t even believe it. I cannot watch this man deteriorate. I watched my grandmother

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grandparents, growth, guilt, healing, journaling, Rituals for Transformation, running, sabotage, scripture, self talk, setbacks, soul awakening, stability, where do I fit in?, will i ever be good enough, worrying

To Drink or Not to Drink

Let’s look at my history with alcohol. Multiple arguments, the ending of relationships, the ending of going to school, the ending of a fresh reputation. For those reasons alone I would think that I am a person who should not

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alcohol, big steps forward, binge drinking, drinking, family, forgiveness

This Journey I’m On

I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to keep you interested in reading. I’m also afraid that if I don’t blog everyday

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adhd, alcohol, anxiety, blogging to be better, church, depression, drug use, father, mother, Motherless Daughters Ministry, prayer, Rituals for Transformation

Freedom in Forgiveness

I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close my eyes for a few minutes but then I start getting antsy, my mind

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blogging to be better, closure, dragontree, forgiveness, getting over my past, resentment, Rituals for Transformation

Lackluster

Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg of the journey” because previously I was feeling great, I noticeably felt well all

Lackluster Keep Reading

getting over my past, peace, resentment, Rituals for Transformation

Getting rid of the icky

So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book.

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anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, challenges, change, childhood, counseling, dragontree, feelings, getting over my past, grace, growth, happiness, healing, inner child, inspiration, journaling, living a better story, loving myself today, self-doubt, writing

Making space for stillness

Today’s Rituals for Transformation message is to make time for stillness. Still my mind. Still my thoughts. Gently pull myself back to stillness when I find myself going down rabbit holes. I identify with stillness more than meditation, even though

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Random

Sharing my truth

My mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or can I? Can I expect to have “rad” days (as rated on my mood

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truth

It’s only a matter of time

If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find peace in knowing that friends and family may one day come across my blog.

It’s only a matter of time Keep Reading

authentic self, authenticity, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, depression, dragontree, dreams, family

Today was a sad day

I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go into the office but I worked from home. I just didn’t have it in

Today was a sad day Keep Reading

bad day, blogging to be better, commitment, depression, relationships, Rituals for Transformation

Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings

I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind the music I listen to. Needless to say, I did a lot of research

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change, choices, clarity, commitment, connection, counseling, diet, discipline, divorce, dragontree, family, happiness, healing, Random

There’s just something about her

I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact with my biological father). Yes, I have supportive people in my life like my

There’s just something about her Keep Reading

acceptance, addiction, adhd, alcohol, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, baggage, beliefs, grandparents, grief and loss, mother, Motherless Daughters Ministry, mothers, narcissism, Random, Rituals for Transformation

common heather, calluna, snezka-6581569.jpg

Day 1/Day 18

I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to me as much as it’s a promise to you. It also just makes sense.

Day 1/Day 18 Keep Reading

beliefs, blogging to be better, change, church, clarity, commitment, dragontree, dreams, emotions, energy, exercise, growth, healing, inner critic, journaling, Motherless Daughters Ministry, Rituals for Transformation, stability

Two birds, one stone

I’m working through Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life. Each day calls for morning and evening meditation followed by journaling. Today I thought, “What if I blogged my meditation writings?” My mind works so much faster

Two birds, one stone Keep Reading

Rituals for Transformation

108 Day Journey

“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him

108 Day Journey Keep Reading

adderall, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, baggage, beliefs, binge drinking, blessings, blogging to be better, challenges, choices, clarity, commitment, community, connection, depression, dragontree, drug use, drugs, finding my place, getting over my past, giving to others, grace, growth, guilt, healing, inner critic, Jesus, journaling, medication, meditation, memoir, mental illness, mistakes, mother, mothers, moving forward, narcissism, passing of time, questions, reading, reflection, running, searching, transformation, writing

Winter in Spring

“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or

Winter in Spring Keep Reading

addiction, alcohol, anger, anxiety, authentic self, baggage, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, death, decisions, dying, forgiveness, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grace, guilt, healing, human suffering, memoir, memories, mental illness, suicide

My World Awakens

I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had several bird features and even a bird bath! Can you imagine being a kid

My World Awakens Keep Reading

acceptance, attitude, bad day, beach, blogging to be better, boundaries, challenges, choices, depression, getting out of bed, getting over my past

Mental Health Woes and Wanderings

Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep

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baggage, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, counseling, creativity, death, depression, friendship, getting out of bed, getting over my past, inner child, inner critic, loving myself today, mental illness, mistakes, mother, personality traits, sabotage, will i ever be good enough, writing

The Other Scarlet Letter

A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an

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acceptance, aging, ah-ha moments, authentic self, authenticity, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, choices, closure, confusion, connection, courage, dating, depression, forgiveness, freedom, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grief and loss, growth, guilt, memoir, memories, mental illness, regret, secrets, shame

Quiet Breath

I’m sitting outside. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I imagine the neighborhood kids are already in bed, along with their parents and pets. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I’m inhaling and exhaling these full breaths and I feel my shoulders release and

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clarity, closure, commitment, compassion

Laying it out there

I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to

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adhd, anxiety, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, confusion, depression, getting over my past, loneliness, loving myself today, mental illness, self talk, suicide, writing

Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward

I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today

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adderall, adhd, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, change, control, counseling, depression, emotions, getting out of bed, housekeeping, how to live, inner child, just do it, laundry, life, life is hard, living a better story, living below my potential, loving myself today, mental illness, mood cycles, morning anxiety, moving forward, Outdoors, reflection, searching, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, soul, sunshine, transparency, vyvanse, where do I fit in?, will i ever be good enough, worrying

The Instagram Effect

This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel really good when our analytics show we’re getting a lot of exposure. And if

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challenges, depression, emotions, finding my place, how to live, life, loving myself today, patterns, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, small self

Sunrise

My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to

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aging, ah-ha moments, anxiety, authenticity, change, decisions, depression, dolphins, dreams, getting out of bed, getting over my past, inner child, inner critic, life, loving myself today, mental illness, mistakes, moments, moving forward, passing of time, struggles, stuck, success, worrying, writing

Peculiar

The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday

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alcohol, baggage, beach, binge drinking, choices, closure, decisions, drinking, getting over my past, healing, living a better story, love, loving myself today, mistakes, self love

Another Sleepless Night brought to you by Vyvanse

It’s not all Vyvanse’s fault. I mismanaged my prescription today (i.e. took a second pill at 4 pm), but I had to do work. And I can only do work hyped up on Vyvanse. I don’t want the adderall anymore;

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adderall, addiction, adhd, blogging to be better, can't sleep, medication, mood cycles, vyvanse

RandomRamblings

This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, thus I have the Emotionally Absent Mother class which wrapped up about 45 minutes

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beliefs, counseling, healing, identity, inner critic, running

The Emotionally Absent Mother Class

During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I

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acceptance, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, borderline, childhood, counseling, depression, doubt, emotions, feelings, getting over my past, guilt, healing, inner child, inner critic, mother, narcissism, relationships, searching, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, writing

Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance

The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me,

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anxiety, beliefs, books, challenges, confusion, counseling, depression, divorce, energy, fear, frustration, getting out of bed, guilt, marriage, pain, uncertainty, writing

When You Have No Friends

I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs at least one friend. My friendlessness is due to two main reasons: I sabotaged

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friendship, isolation, julia butterfly, loneliness, sabotage, sadness

On the journey of med adherence

I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake

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adderall, addiction, adhd, anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, challenges, choices, depression, diet, getting over my past, guilt, inner child, loving myself today, memoir, mood cycles, self-sabotage, shame, tightness in chest

I’m not good enough – on purpose?

It’s getting really tiring having these discoveries hit me again and again. I am in the season of new beginnings, new blessings, forgiving myself – forgiveness I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to do. I’m such a shame there’s

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acceptance, blessings, forgiveness, inner critic, prayer, shame

Afternoon Journaling

Random thoughts on a random day. Kind of not a random day as Labor Day was yesterday. I didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and sleep. That sounds so pitiful to me. That’s not normal, is it? I need guidance

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confusion

A.M. Ponderings: Medication Adherence

I actually forgot I had written my most recent blog post, you know the one about consistency and “we’ll see how long this lasts.” Well I hopped on my computer at 2:00 a.m. this morning because I couldn’t sleep because

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addiction, adhd, can't sleep, insomnia, medication, mental illness, vyvanse

Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted

I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m nearing the “now or never” age and I’m finding myself not ready. I’m still

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choices, depression, freedom, getting over my past, money, post partum, sadness

P.M. Ponderings

I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to ramble about my thoughts and experiences I’ve had through the day, ruminating thoughts, bouts

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authenticity, beliefs, connection, depression, emotions, fear, getting out of bed, getting over my past, living below my potential, self-doubt, will i ever be good enough

Three Decades of Beliefs

You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will

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beliefs, childhood, identity, life, stuck

The Brief: How I Survived Childhood

My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should not get too caught up or worried about “form,” because eventually paragraphs and pages

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childhood, confusion, finding my place, grandparents, Jesus, love, memoir, mother, reflection, resilience, survival

Junk in my Trunk

Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how books are written. The author writes. Writes a lot. And I have not been

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ah-ha moments, big magic, counseling, depression, Elizabeth Gilbert, feeling funny, today, tomorrow, uncertainty, writing

A Frenchman and a Child

A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came into my life, it wasn’t until the past few years that I was able

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blogging to be better, childhood, compassion, getting over my past, inner child, mothers, self-sabotage

…that which bring healing.

I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close to Bartok. While she has a schizophrenic mother, I have an emotionally ill mother.

…that which bring healing. Keep Reading

books, getting over my past, guilt, healing, mental illness, mothers, pain

Belonging

It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on the same scale of “how the hell am I going to do this today?”

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acceptance, closure, confusion, getting over my past, moving forward

Rules to be Written

I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel the author. My mother was a key player, of course. But I was surprised

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childhood, family, getting over my past, mother, reading

Ramblings about Growth and Struggle

Can there be growth without struggle? I switch back and forth between contentment, anger, and sadness. One constant is that I always feel blessed. How can I feel sad and blessed at the same time? I really don’t understand my

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adhd, confusion, growth, life, sadness, struggles

#7 and #8

My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense

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books, borderline, childhood, getting over my past, healing, memories, mother, reading

Wandering through the Woes

I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still surprise me with what that woman is capable of doing and saying. What if

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blogging to be better, childhood, courage, family, memoir, mother, truth, writing

Got Anger?

I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it. She gave me a week to think of a

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anger, counseling, emdr, emotions, getting over my past, mother

Gratitude Season

It’s gratitude season for me. I have been recognizing all that I am blessed with and how, no matter how severe my depression and challenging motherless daughter journey gets, I have so.many.blessings. And what is wonderful about this realization is

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blessings, family, gratitude, love

And this too shall pass

“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she projects. So, maybe she is actually saying may God have mercy on her soul.

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borderline, getting over my past, healing, mother, reading

May God Have Mercy on Your Soul

These are the words my mother left me with after finding me on Etsy. ETSY! How she found me can only be due to her stalker-rific online behavior. First, she messaged me on Etsy a few times asking about my

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acceptance, borderline, guilt, mother

Learning to be Loved

Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I felt out of place and like I was wearing a sign that said “Not

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family, getting over my past, loving myself today, self love, struggles

Symptoms of BPD

I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were very interesting. The first of the two seemed like smooth sailing when I began.

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borderline, healing, living a better story, memories, mother

Struggle Forward

Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be real?” Talking with my counselor earlier this week, she said something very Oprah-esque. “You

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anxiety, binge drinking, choices, counseling, courage, depression, drugs, mental illness, Oprah, psychiatrist, struggles, writing

You are always enough.

I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept – I’m good enough where I am. Sure, I could be better, healthier, skinnier. But that doesn’t make me good. I

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challenges, commitment, dolphins, dreams, finding my place, Jesus, journaling, living a better story, looking forward, prayer, pushing myself, putting God first, sacrifice, tomorrow, trying new things, uncertainty

The Voice of Forgiveness

I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel, if it brings you to a place – 5-years-old, 20-years-old, wherever you go, tell

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childhood, forgiveness, self love

Revisiting the Past for a Better Future

Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so. I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for

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blogging to be better, getting over my past, healing, journaling, mother, mothers, reading

My Mother and Domestic Violence

Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes the importance of reading: you cannot be a good author and tell the story

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books, depression, divorce, domestic violence, family, memoir, mother, secrets, truth

Steps in All Directons

Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. They leave me with

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anxiety, big steps forward, depression, questions, struggles

Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace

Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my chaotic home life, a safe place where I could be a care-free child without

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blessings, childhood, church, family, grandparents, memories

Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression

It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I

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choices, depression, drinking, getting over my past, healing, pain, promiscuity, self-sabotage, shame

The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors

I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments

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blueprints, childhood, community, getting over my past, healing, mothers, reading

Nouwen Again

As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense of clarity from my current feelings of neglect, misunderstanding and guilt for my recent

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Henri Nouwen, worrying

Accept the kindness from your inner self, and share your journey to nourish your mind and body, and yours alone

I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course. But I’ve opened up to this group of strangers more than I’ve opened up

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authentic self, boundaries, healing, inner child, writing

Bridal Shower Boundaries

But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And there she was, asking me questions that I didn’t want to answer — “Where

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anxiety, baggage, big steps forward, childhood, courage, family, getting over my past, mother

Pretzels Before Pain

“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by something she was saying. I don’t even remember what it was about. This same

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borderline, family, forgiveness, healing, mother, passing of time, relationships, sadness, sisters

Sore, Not Soar

“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where did the problems I was born into end and the ones I created begin?

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childhood, confusion, living below my potential, regret, sadness, self-sabotage, small self

Bit by Bit

I’ve had some pep in my step the last few days. I’ve cleaned, organized…which are things I so do not do. But the husband and I talked about children the other night, a talk that left me crying, but in

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children, cleanliness, healing, marriage, organizing

When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Not Without Worry

As I walked toward the stable, I noticed how quiet it was. Literally, there were no noises, just the occasional bird chirping or tree leaves rustling from the wind. No traffic, no television, and no phone. I was completely disconnected

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anxiety, change, connection, counseling, equine assisted therapy, fear, growth, healing, horses, loving myself today, meeting new people, Outdoors, scenery, self talk, self-doubt, soul awakening

The “Just Because” Post

This is a “just because” post. Just because I’m feeling good. And feisty. Have you heard the phrase, “Keep your grass cut low.” That’s where I’m at right now. Reevaluating relationships with painful realizations that things may never be the

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acceptance, authentic self, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, challenges, choices, control, dreams, family, forgiveness, freedom, getting over my past, grace, gratitude, growth, happiness, healing, looking forward, love, memoir, sisters, truth

Here’s your Christmas card.

This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me,

Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading

authentic self, big steps forward, blessings, books, borderline, boundaries, challenges, childhood, cleanse, closure, community, connection, contentment, decisions, depression, freedom, getting over my past, giving to others, glory, grace, gratitude, growth, happiness, healing, Jesus, journaling, living a better story, love, loving myself today, marriage, resilience, stability, suicide, transformation, transparency, writing

Another Borderline Book

I was instantly engaged and memories were flooding through my head, negative and positive, with peace in knowing that needing to feel validated is okay, as the author says. The Foreword said to me, “this book will be a part of your journey to healing.” So on I read.

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acceptance, authentic self, books, borderline, forgiveness, getting over my past, inner child, looking forward, mother, small self, stability

The Daughter Journey

one daughter's journey as the adult child of an emotionally absent mother

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