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The Daughter Journey

one daughter's journey as the adult child of an emotionally absent mother

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woman writing in a journal next to a mug of coffee

The Imperfect Post

This is what life with bipolar looks like – it can be structured, planned, intentional…but still the array of emotions I feel each day can be overwhelming. On top of work, daily duties, being a wife, working to be a better wife, working to be a better person. Overwhelming is a gently word to explain how I feel sometimes. Sometimes often.

The Imperfect Post Keep Reading

adhd, anxiety, balance, big steps forward, challenges, counseling, depression, emotions, exercise, growth, healing, living a better story, mother, moving forward, writing

You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it.

The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t.

You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading

big steps forward, birthday, blogging to be better, boundaries, childhood, clarity, counseling, depression, family, getting over my past, grief and loss, growth, healing, journaling, ketamine, living a better story, looking forward, loving myself today, medication, memoir, mother, moving forward, passing of time, progress, relationships, september, sisters, taking control, transformation, writing
typewriter on white wood

An Evening I Will Not Forget

Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his

An Evening I Will Not Forget Keep Reading

big steps forward, books, childhood, community, feelings, getting over my past, growth, healing, inner child, inspiration, living a better story, meeting new people, memoir, mother, mothers, moving forward, music, pain, progress, relationships, self talk, taking control, transformation, writespace, writing

Changing the Course of a Day

The following blog post is exactly why I journal and publish for all to read. I love reading the insight I gained in the exact moment I gained it. Fifteen years ago I felt so lost, as I outline in

Changing the Course of a Day Keep Reading

bad day, big steps forward, blessings, challenges, choices, emotions, getting out of bed, getting over my past, hope, just do it, living a better story, loving myself today, marathon training, mood cycles, moving forward, pushing myself, reflection, running, scripture, self talk
body map trauma kindness generous sacred anxiety excitement grow evolve grow identity head in clouds journey

Overcoming Through Writing

Very recently, I attended a workshop about overcoming your trauma through writing. W.T.F. When I first came across the name of the workshop, which was hosted by Writespace where I’ve attended many workshops in the past, I thought, “This is

Overcoming Through Writing Keep Reading

anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, beauty, big magic, blogging to be better, books, change, childhood, choices, clarity, closure, community, connection, courage, creativity, emotions, enjoy the journey, memoir, reflection, sacred, self love, soul, soul awakening, surrender, survival, transformation, transparency, trauma, truth, worrying, writespace, writing

The Identified Patient Extends to Immediate Family

My role as identified patient extends beyond my mother…apparently. I spoke up to my immediate family about recent mistreatment I received by my sister’s boyfriend. The result – they sided with him, and the whole thing became about my mental

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blogging to be better, boundaries, childhood, choices, clarity, compassion, control, counseling, courage, family, father, growth, healing, identity, loving myself today, mental illness, mother, moving forward, new understanding, patterns, redemption, reflection, relationships, resilience, self love, sisters, stability, suicide, transformation, transparency

Wandering Child

I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged

Wandering Child Keep Reading

childhood, choices, deceit, drinking, drug use, feelings, getting over my past, grace, grief and loss, growth, guilt, healing, inner child, loving myself today, manipulation, marriage, memoir, ownership, pain, passing of time, Random, redemption, reflection, regret, relationships, sabotage, sadness, small self, struggles, transparency, truth

The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me

Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things

The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading

childhood, confusion, depression, freedom, getting over my past, grace, healing, inner child, living a better story, manipulation, mistakes, mother, mothers, redemption, reflection, suicide, writing

The Eclipse Edit

My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the apparent night fallsI’m sure the bugs are doing something but those can stay far

The Eclipse Edit Keep Reading

acceptance, ah-ha moments, authentic self, authenticity, balance, beauty, big magic, clarity, cleanse, closure, getting over my past, healing, life, moments, reflection, self love, soul awakening, surrender, today, transformation

Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One

I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found: October 27, 2010:  What do I believe? I’m not

Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One Keep Reading

authentic self, big steps forward, blogging to be better, getting over my past, growth, healing, hope, journaling, living a better story, passing of time, progress, reflection, small self, transformation

When you find out your ex is married with a baby on the way and you’re still getting drunk in bars…

you pick yourself up. you pray for strength. you stop thinking “what could have been” and you get honest about how shitty the relationship was. you burn something, preferably a photo of you and him together, if you haven’t burned

When you find out your ex is married with a baby on the way and you’re still getting drunk in bars… Keep Reading

change, emotions, heartache, loneliness, love

Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet”

I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers.

Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading

acceptance, childhood, church, counseling, depression, drinking, emotions, family, getting over my past, growth, Henri Nouwen, hope, love, medication, relationships

This post is probably a “no-no”

…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there

This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading

ah-ha moments, authentic self, baggage, beliefs, blogging to be better, borderline, childhood, domestic violence, emotions, family, father, fear, getting over my past, healing, inner child, mother, soul awakening, transformation
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I’m still relevant

I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood

I’m still relevant Keep Reading

authentic self, authenticity, baggage, beliefs, blogging to be better, borderline, childhood, doubt, emotions, feelings, finding my place, getting over my past, growth, guilt, inner child, inner critic, living a better story, love, loving myself today, mistakes, moving forward, ownership, pain, questions, self-sabotage, survival, truth
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Giving up things of the world

I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?

Giving up things of the world Keep Reading

acceptance, adderall, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, baggage, beach, beliefs, binge drinking, blogging to be better, borderline, boundaries, depression, father, Jesus, living a better story, living below my potential, loneliness, loving myself today, memoir, memories, mental illness, mother
lighthouse, starry sky, universe-6785763.jpg

Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl

I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling my insights. I’m trying to live a better life. I’ve made so many boneheaded

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acceptance, beliefs, bible study, blessings, books, dragontree, finding my place, forgiveness, freedom, friendship, fruit of the spirit, growth, happiness, healing, Jesus, living a better story, putting God first, reading, redemption, Rituals for Transformation, scripture, self love, transformation, truth, uncertainty, writing
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Birthday Blues

It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say childhood trauma, I’m not referring to physical abuse or sexual abuse, neither of which

Birthday Blues Keep Reading

counseling, feelings, forgiveness, grief and loss, guilt, inner child, living a better story, mental illness, Random, regret, relationships, resentment, sadness, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, stability, struggles, stuck, surrender, survival, tomorrow, transformation, transparency, uncertainty
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Getting rid of the icky

So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book.

Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading

anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, challenges, change, childhood, counseling, dragontree, feelings, getting over my past, grace, growth, happiness, healing, inner child, inspiration, journaling, living a better story, loving myself today, self-doubt, writing
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Sharing my truth

My mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or can I? Can I expect to have “rad” days (as rated on my mood

Sharing my truth Keep Reading

truth
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There’s just something about her

I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact with my biological father). Yes, I have supportive people in my life like my

There’s just something about her Keep Reading

acceptance, addiction, adhd, alcohol, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, baggage, beliefs, grandparents, grief and loss, mother, Motherless Daughters Ministry, mothers, narcissism, Random, Rituals for Transformation
writing, write, person-828911.jpg

108 Day Journey

“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him

108 Day Journey Keep Reading

adderall, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, baggage, beliefs, binge drinking, blessings, blogging to be better, challenges, choices, clarity, commitment, community, connection, depression, dragontree, drug use, drugs, finding my place, getting over my past, giving to others, grace, growth, guilt, healing, inner critic, Jesus, journaling, medication, meditation, memoir, mental illness, mistakes, mother, mothers, moving forward, narcissism, passing of time, questions, reading, reflection, running, searching, transformation, writing
soap bubble, frost, snow

Winter in Spring

“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or

Winter in Spring Keep Reading

addiction, alcohol, anger, anxiety, authentic self, baggage, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, death, decisions, dying, forgiveness, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grace, guilt, healing, human suffering, memoir, memories, mental illness, suicide
man, head, mind

Mental Health Woes and Wanderings

Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep

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baggage, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, counseling, creativity, death, depression, friendship, getting out of bed, getting over my past, inner child, inner critic, loving myself today, mental illness, mistakes, mother, personality traits, sabotage, will i ever be good enough, writing
tree, branches, silhouette

The Other Scarlet Letter

A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an

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acceptance, aging, ah-ha moments, authentic self, authenticity, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, choices, closure, confusion, connection, courage, dating, depression, forgiveness, freedom, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grief and loss, growth, guilt, memoir, memories, mental illness, regret, secrets, shame
rose, red, smoke

Laying it out there

I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to

Laying it out there Keep Reading

adhd, anxiety, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, confusion, depression, getting over my past, loneliness, loving myself today, mental illness, self talk, suicide, writing
wave, ocean, sea

Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward

I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today

Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward Keep Reading

adderall, adhd, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, change, control, counseling, depression, emotions, getting out of bed, housekeeping, how to live, inner child, just do it, laundry, life, life is hard, living a better story, living below my potential, loving myself today, mental illness, mood cycles, morning anxiety, moving forward, Outdoors, reflection, searching, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, soul, sunshine, transparency, vyvanse, where do I fit in?, will i ever be good enough, worrying
tulip, leaf, flower

Sunrise

My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to

Sunrise Keep Reading

aging, ah-ha moments, anxiety, authenticity, change, decisions, depression, dolphins, dreams, getting out of bed, getting over my past, inner child, inner critic, life, loving myself today, mental illness, mistakes, moments, moving forward, passing of time, struggles, stuck, success, worrying, writing

The Emotionally Absent Mother Class

During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I

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acceptance, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, borderline, childhood, counseling, depression, doubt, emotions, feelings, getting over my past, guilt, healing, inner child, inner critic, mother, narcissism, relationships, searching, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, writing

Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance

The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me,

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anxiety, beliefs, books, challenges, confusion, counseling, depression, divorce, energy, fear, frustration, getting out of bed, guilt, marriage, pain, uncertainty, writing

On the journey of med adherence

I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake

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adderall, addiction, adhd, anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, challenges, choices, depression, diet, getting over my past, guilt, inner child, loving myself today, memoir, mood cycles, self-sabotage, shame, tightness in chest

When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Not Without Worry

As I walked toward the stable, I noticed how quiet it was.  Literally, there were no noises, just the occasional bird chirping or tree leaves rustling from the wind.  No traffic, no television, and no phone.  I was completely disconnected

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anxiety, change, connection, counseling, equine assisted therapy, fear, growth, healing, horses, loving myself today, meeting new people, Outdoors, scenery, self talk, self-doubt, soul awakening

The “Just Because” Post

This is a “just because” post. Just because I’m feeling good. And feisty. Have you heard the phrase, “Keep your grass cut low.” That’s where I’m at right now. Reevaluating relationships with painful realizations that things may never be the

The “Just Because” Post Keep Reading

acceptance, authentic self, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, challenges, choices, control, dreams, family, forgiveness, freedom, getting over my past, grace, gratitude, growth, happiness, healing, looking forward, love, memoir, sisters, truth

Here’s your Christmas card.

This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me,

Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading

authentic self, big steps forward, blessings, books, borderline, boundaries, challenges, childhood, cleanse, closure, community, connection, contentment, decisions, depression, freedom, getting over my past, giving to others, glory, grace, gratitude, growth, happiness, healing, Jesus, journaling, living a better story, love, loving myself today, marriage, resilience, stability, suicide, transformation, transparency, writing
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