I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to keep you interested in reading. I’m also afraid that if I don’t blog everyday that I’ll go back into writing hibernation where I wasn’t blogging at all. Is this blog for me or for you? Is it for both of us? What is my niche? I don’t just want to spill the tea on the shitty parts of my life. I want there be a light I shine – hope I provide – to someone, somewhere. Biologically, I’m fatherless and motherless. I say biologically because I have some very important non-biologically related individuals who have helped me along the way, and are still helping me. I hate using the word “suffer” because it sounds so devastatingly pathetic but I suffer from depression, anxiety and ADHD. I’ve also had previous substance abuse issues – which honestly, if you look at my life and what I’ve dealt with it’s no wonder I just wanted to escape through drugs and alcohol.
It’s true – this journey I’m on is an everyday thing. When I’m busy or feeling depressed (mostly when I’m feeling depressed) I tend to forget I’m on a journey. All of the lessons I’ve learned in books I’ve read/I’m reading and revelations I’ve had while journaling are no where to be found. It’s just me being a big pile of uselessness. I hate depressed days. I just want to stay in bed and not deal. Not deal with my husband. Not deal with house chores. Not deal with adulting, basically. So what brings on these depressed days?
My counselor told me that even positive things in my life can trigger my moods. I’ve really been battling my anxiety lately, and by battling I mean kicking ass and taking names. I am making myself do things, making myself connect with others even when I’m scared out of my mind and my stomach is doing loops and I don’t think I’ll ever get through what the next hour or two will bring. I recently did this at church. There is a mentorship program that just started, and you’re looking at one of the newest mentees! I’ve been paired thoughtfully and prayerfully (according to the mentorship ladies) with a woman who is further along in her journey with Christ. She’s been married over 35 years (I have a lot to learn in that area!) and is retired, so she has some extra time that she can spend with me. Even though she outright said she’s excited we were paired, and even though her body language and expressions matched her words of excitement, part of me still felt like maybe she doesn’t really want to be my mentor. Maybe she felt sorry for me. Maybe no one wanted me and she just picked me up so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m meeting with her today. These awful feelings I have about myself tend to decrease when I speak my pain out loud. And so often when I say something aloud to someone else about a thought or feeling I’m having it sounds so ridiculous when spoken out loud. I plan to tell her my thoughts and my worries – worries I won’t be a good mentee, worries about my anxiety or down days, just plain worried. She is one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met. She’s so genuine and there’s a peaceful and graceful way about her. I want that peace. And grace.
My journaling and meditation often turns to prayer. I find myself writing prayers down in my journal in addition to my daily ramblings as I work through Rituals for Transformation (RFT). The messages the book is giving me are just so positive, self-affirming and truly these messages are shifting my perspective. My perspectives about resentment, forgiveness, love, enthusiastic participation in life, where I find my identity all are evolving. I feel I’ve matured a few years since beginning RFT 29 days ago. I know this book is part of my journey, just like the mentorship program, just like the prayer group I’ve been attending semi-regularly (more on that later), just like Motherless Daughters Ministry are all a part of my journey. And this blog. This blog is a part of my journey.