I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close my eyes for a few minutes but then I start getting antsy, my mind wanders and meditation is the last thing on my mind. I also have skipped the whole “ritual” part, that is, lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making physical space for this journey. My office is a mess so I’ve been journaling and reading in the guest bedroom. Which is also a mess. My whole house is a mess. This brings me to forgiveness.
Forgiveness has been the RFT theme the last few days. If there is one person who needs to forgive another person, it’s me needing to forgive myself. For my messy house. For not eating well. For not exercising. For not always being happy. For everything. And don’t get me started on the mistakes I’ve made. I need to forgive myself for those, too.
Now, when I look outward at who I need to forgive my mother obviously bubbles to the surface instantly. I do think I can forgive her. My counselor said forgiveness is not giving an excuse for the behavior and it doesn’t mean the behavior was acceptable. Forgiveness is more about the person forgiving rather than the person receiving forgiveness. RFT talks about finding peace and freedom in the spaces where resentment and unforgiveness lived. That sounds pleasant, doesn’t it?
I try not to hold on to stuff that happened in the past. I try to move on. RFT also says forgiveness is not a one-and-done act. You must keep forgiving, over and over again, with the same sincerity and enthusiasm as when you first forgave someone. So forgiving myself is no different. If anything, the need for continual forgiveness is more glaring when I look at forgiving myself. I beat myself up over mistakes I’ve made. Instead of beating myself up, or admonishing my behavior, I’m going to say, “Kristin, I forgive you freely and fully.” And the next time I start beating myself up for something I did in the past I’m going to say, “Kristin, I forgive you freely and fully.” I may sound like a broken record but it’s better than the script that is currently running, which is “you are bad, you are not enough.”
All in all, and after only being on day 28 of 108, I can say that RFT has caused a shift in my thinking. I’m holding on to so much junk and it’s just weighing me down. I can feel the heaviness within me. It’s finally time to let go.
Kristin, I forgive you freely and fully.