I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still surprise me with what that woman is capable of doing and saying.

What if she gets a hold of my writing and starts a hate website about me, calling me a liar and the real problem?

What if she calls my employer – and says, who knows? She’s called my employers before. I showed up to my college job one day and the manager took me into the office. “Call your mother,” he said. “What?” I asked confused. Why is this man, who is my manager and who I don’t share my personal life with, telling me to call my mother? “Call your mother. You need to call your mother. She called here,” he hesitated before continuing. “You need to call her.” I wanted to yell at him, “You have no idea what you are talking about! You have no idea what she is talking about!

She called my college and said she couldn’t get a hold of me and she didn’t know where I was because I wouldn’t talk to her if she was going to yell at me. Can you imagine a college getting a call from a mother that a student is missing! I almost didn’t go to my first period English course but decided to and the first thing when I walked through the door the professor came up to me and said, “I don’t want to know any details but please know that your mother called the administration because she can’t get a hold of you.” I opened my mouth to speak, to say what I’m not sure, but the professor shushed me and said, “I don’t want to know.”

When my sister was still living at home, and I had long graduated from college she overheard my mother talking to my stepmother about how bad I was and how I caused so many family problems.

She still doesn’t realize she’s always been the adult. How bad can a child be before you start looking at who is in charge of that child? I was always the child, always the one who needed guidance, and not play the role of the guide; the one who needed security, and not serve as the lock.

So to think my mother would do something drastic if she discovered my writing is not far off from what is possible. I’m not afraid, though. She won’t stop me from speaking the truth of my childhood. It will actually be validating when she flips shit.

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