Is today the day? Has the time finally arrived when I say, “Enough is enough”? When I never look back? When I charge forward propelled with the same force that has held me back year after year, failure after failure…?
When will it happen? Will I let it happen? Will I make it happen? Or, will some uncontrollable circumstance or extreme crisis put me in my place – in my place of responsibility and inner-peace…and alternately, my place of chaos and discontent. Can I experience one extreme without the other? Is there a middle ground, a lukewarm emotional “place” inside of me where I am okay, and where being okay is all I need?
Lord, your Word says you will never leave me. But, I disappointed you. I made promises to you, like everyone else, that I couldn’t keep. You are God; how can I give up on you? How can I not follow through?
I pray to you, my prayer of questions. I ask for refuge, but receive none. I say none because I am in immense pain and immense confusion. Is it because you know my good intentions will fade as quickly as the words that left my lips in prayer? Is it because you see my sins of tomorrow, the same sins I seek forgiveness for, only to commit time and time again?
Your Word says you knew us before we were even born, you knew our whole lives. Lord, what will become of me? Have you stepped back because you, in fact, know my future? You know it’s pointless to bring me refuge because I will only put myself back in the same miserable state I am in now, and have been for quite sometime?
Lord, I need answers.
Why are you so hard on yourself? Change takes time. Be patient and treat yourself with compassion and kindness.