Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep and I had some work to do so I said, “Might as well get up.” And I got my work task done! I just hunkered down and did it at 1 am. You can take the girl out of college but you can’t take the college out of the girl…at least not for me when it comes to procrastinating and pulling all-nighters. Maybe I just like doing this from time to time, being awake and creative and writing while my small area of the world sleeps. I cancelled my counseling appointment today, well yesterday technically. This is a new day. At 11:15 am for our noon appointment. My first thought is, “The audacity!” and I’m talking about myself. I just didn’t, couldn’t, deal. With mother stuff. With father stuff. With my childhood. I’m still living my childhood – creating problems for myself, self-sabotage, letting depression keep me down, feeling hopeless – I still feel these ways. Oh, the disdain I have for myself! But this is my truth. This is my core, and my core is hopeless. I realize this could just be a symptom of my depression — hopelessness. But it’s an ache that never goes away. The pain has always been there, and it’s still there. It’s here. It’s today. It is my present state.
So I’ve got to get out of this hopelessness, right? I can’t stay here. I can. And I have. And all it leads to is suicidal thinking, more like ideation which is a bit more concerning. Now that’s an ache that never goes away. Wanting to end it all. Do you ever think about it? Ever? I have no idea if my thinking is dysfunctional or if there are others like me with the same struggle. (feel free to comment, hint, hint). I don’t know how far into the planning-your-suicide rabbit hole I have to be before I tell someone, “Hello! I need help!). I did tell Mr. P that I was severely depressed and I’m having an extra hard time. And he said, “I know.” I think he knows that means my mind is wandering into places it shouldn’t be. Why shouldn’t it be? Why can’t it just be an acceptable thought to have every now and then? I feel so alone in this. Please someone show yourself, half joking/half serious. I need some divine intervention.
Back to getting out of this hopelessness. What do I do? Well I’m doing it right now by writing (even if it’s at 3 am). But I’m writing. I’M WRITING! My God-given talent that I don’t exercise or actualize it’s full potential. Why not? Well it does stir up a lot of shit. I feel like every blog post should be titled “Shit” because I feel like that is what my life is, the truth is shit. And keeping up appearances is exhausting. There’s another realization. I’m always tired. Maybe it’s not my depression, maybe it’s this weight I carry of keeping up the different Kristin’s. Sometimes it feels like I’m capable of having multiple personality disorder. I guess all that really matters though is the one Kristin, the one and only, in the entire world. My counselor said she truly believes God created me for a purpose. I believe that, too. I really do. I just need to remember it. Positive self-talk is another way I can get out of this hopelessness. Like I just did about my counselor. But I have other ramblings that are taking over.
I’ve been thinking of this one particular friend I had in college. I want to reach out to her. I already did once. I apologized for my behavior and for not valuing our friendship. She accepted my apology! We small talked for a few messages (yes, apology was via FB, had no other way of contacting her)(don’t judge). I feel like my life would be better if she were in it. And I don’t know if you’re supposed to tell someone that. I don’t have the fear of rejection. I have the fear that I’m a psycho who needs to leave her alone. Am I even ready for friends? Ready for that level of commitment? Laying in bed would no longer be an option. I’d be active, and talking and messaging and planning and meeting. It sounds so fun, but it also sounds so very exhausting. And today I started mulling over the fact that I’m not likeable.
It was some kind of day. I came up with all kinds of stories that could be possible, but haven’t happened to my knowledge, to prove I’m not likeable. And what if I’m not? I just haven’t found my people. Well I’ve found my people but I’m fighting being a part of their lives. I don’t want to be in their tribe. It’s not a fun tribe. Motherless women. Women who had emotionally absent mothers. I attended a virtual course about emotionally-absent mothers and healing from those wounds. It made me realize how deep my wounds go, how deep is the disdain I have for myself and where those messages came from. I mean you wouldn’t believe the stuff I wrote down about beliefs about myself. I’m not loveable, I need to change to be good enough, I’m alone. In an exercise we had to challenge those beliefs. And come up with like 10 truths that show whichever belief is untrue. Mr. P helped me with that. I really allowed myself to be vulnerable letting Mr. P see the beliefs I have about myself, how much hate is there.
The rabbit hole is still calling my name and I think I’m ready for bed now.