The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday that alcohol has ended so many relationships that actuallhy had potential. The most notable is Beach. That’s his name. Just Beach. That was a marriage in the making. My heart still aches when I think of all that could have been. Then there was the New Orleans incident and all of those wasted drunken nights spent being wasted. Is this resonating with anyone? It’s freeing when you put words to your shame. It develops it from an immature emotion into something more transparent and bearable.
I realize I hold an incredible amount of shame for my past actions. I am embarrassed at things I’ve done and said and ways I’ve acted. But how do I reconcile that? How do I forgive myself for my mistakes and finally let go of shit? I obviously don’t know how to let go of shit because I haven’t yet, and it’s been a lifetime, my lifetime. Is it that I don’t know how to be free? I’ve always been chained to something – a bad relationship, a dying friendship, my mother. Always my mother. I’ve got 99 problems and my mother is connected to all of them. More on that to come…
As I end this short note, I’m reminded of what Briana Borten from the Dragontree responded on Instagram when I asked her how do you truly forgive yourself, and her answer was simple: it comes from a place of deep self-love.
Self-love, what a peculiar notion.