Dear Kristin,
Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been.
Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented you. You weren’t an accident but you weren’t exactly planned either. I was so young, naive, wounded. You can relate to that, can’t you? I was so very wounded and from this woundedness I lived. We lived. I’m sorry I brought around so many guys. I hope no one hurt you. I just had such a love gap to fill. You stole from my tank. You sucked me dry and I wasn’t sure if you loved me. My childhood was toxic. I was a motherless daughter with an abusive grandmother raising me. Of course I did a shitty job!
I’m sorry for all I put you through. Moving apartments and changing schools, that was never about you. You weren’t bad so we moved. I didn’t know how to parent and I was jealous of you. It was always about, “How’s Kristin?” and never about me, if not never, definitely rarely. I became second fiddle plus I had to take care of you.
And you survived. I know barely because you’ve been suicidal several times, but you have survived. And from the dirtiest of places you find a way to thrive. Don’t lose that. Live your best life. I’m not in control. All is up to you as to how you live your life. I know you have big dreams and aren’t sure if you can actually make them come true. You can. You survived me. You survived manipulation and from a young age, too. What little girl soldiers through a mother’s woundedness, dodging random men, my erratic behavior on top of just a confusing ass world? YOU got through that on your own merit. That is proof of your greatness.
And it wasn’t just as a little girl. As a young girl, almost teen, I expected a better you but didn’t give you the mentoring and attention and dedication to make the best you possible. You had to navigate my world and your own world. I’m sorry you didn’t have friendship skills, so your childhood friends came and went. I’m sorry for making you the scapegoat of every problem I had. You weren’t the reason the family was sick. I focused all the mental health challenges on you instead of getting help myself. My heart hurts for all you’ve been through because you didn’t have the foundation to make the right choices and decisions. You still struggle. But you don’t have to anymore. I take it all away from you. You’re free.
Now you can go after your dreams. You have everything you need inside of yourself to make your dreams a reality.
Love,
Mom
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
