This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, thus I have the Emotionally Absent Mother class which wrapped up about 45 minutes ago. I’m just kind of sitting with myself, listening to music. I finished up a blog post for Motherless Daughters Ministry (I write blogs for them). I also went for a walk today! I didn’t go far but at least I did something. I can list off one hundred things I didn’t do that I should have done but it’s really difficult to think of the good things I did. I went to my counseling appointment. I cancelled last week at the last minute. Which I hate doing. If I’m canceling my counseling appointments then something is wrong. Those are the times when I need to be at my counselor’s office.

My husband helped me with an EAM class exercise. I had to write down 10 beliefs I have on individual index cards. Then, I had to take sticky notes and write on them reasons why those beliefs are not true. The 10 beliefs I hold are:

  1. I’m not likable.
  2. I’m worthless.
  3. I’m selfish.
  4. I don’t appreciate anything my mother does for me.
  5. It’s better when I’m not around.
  6. I don’t have any one I can depend on when shit gets real.
  7. I’m meant to be alone in the world.
  8. I have to be different than who I am to be good enough to love.
  9. I’m not loveable.
  10. I’m a bad sister/daughter/teenager

I took each of these index cards with these beliefs on them, my beliefs on them, and taped them to two poster boards (5 and 5). When I stepped back and saw all of these beliefs the first thing I thought is this person must be sad all the time, they must feel awful about themselves. I realize that my beliefs are contributing to my depression. I feel such awful things about myself. No wonder I don’t want to get out of bed. No wonder everything. I’ve got to chip away these beliefs. I can’t have these playing on repeat while I’m trying to be successful at work and a good wife and a good person and grow.

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