I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately?
It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood and early adulthood. It hurts to know, to finally understand, and I mean really understand, that is my truth and I have to own it. It’s either going to take me down or help me build myself up. And taking me down sounds unpleasant. Building myself up sounds like it requires effort, but both actually require effort.
Mr. P asked me the other day, “Why do you think you do that?” in response to something we were talking/arguing/debating about. It doesn’t really matter. My answer was “self-sabotage”. Keeping one foot outside of my marriage is a safety mechanism – I’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt. But I have to trust that I’m safe to let all my guards down, and there are a lot of guards. I’ve just seen the worst in marriages and in relationships, from others and my own, and it just doesn’t look to me like “love” is safe. So since it’s not safe, I don’t value it as much as one should – I guess is how I feel. When someone tells me they love me, I don’t believe them. I think they are just saying it, because they are supposed to or it would be awkward if they didn’t say it. But I don’t believe they truly love me. Not me.
With all that I lack, with all the mistakes I’ve made, with the mean things I’ve said and done, I don’t feel like I am someone to love. Now that’s a belief I’m going to be sure to explore with my counselor this week.
So, my “About” page is very relevant to my current life. I wrote that years ago. Have I grown? Am I in a rut? Am I living in the past? I’d like to hear your thoughts.
With joy (that I’m honestly trying to muster up),