So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book. It’s a lot of positivity that is entering my brain and it’s pushing out the icky stuff.
What’s the icky stuff? I guess I have to confront it anyways. The icky is feeling like I’m not enough. In any capacity or area. I’m not lovable enough. I’m not likeable enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. Enough for who? For my husband, for my employer, for my family and acquaintances. We had a happy hour last night to semi-celebrate a belated birthday for me plus get the team together outside of work and only my boss came. The other two people in the company said they had a lot of work to do. My feelings were hurt. If I were better, if I were good enough they would have come. Those are the thoughts that were going on in my mind. And still are it sounds like. I spent almost my entire counseling appointment beforehand talking about how anxious I was having to go to happy hour. But I knew going was something I had to do. Plus, I picked the location and it was semi for my birthday. But it did hurt that my other two co-workers didn’t come. It’s not like we do team stuff all the time. At previous team events they were both there. But I’m not even going down the rabbit hole of that — thinking too much into them not coming to my happy hour versus going to other happy hours (which we’ve literally had like 3 in two years and one team member most of the time can’t come because she doesn’t live here). So, see. As I talk through it and just state the facts then I see this has nothing to do with me not being good enough. Maybe they just didn’t want to go. My boss went and he’s really the most important person that I would want to come. I’m done giving this any more attention.
The past couple of days a few people told me they read my blog. That means the world to me. I find writing about my life is cathartic. If I can share it, and it helps someone else on their own life journey, then by all means I’ll write. What if me talking about my depression is helping someone considering suicide? I’ve been there. And I sought out hope online. I read blogs from people who were once suicidal. It wasn’t the only thing that helped me, but it did make a difference. To have an affect on someone’s life is a huge deal, and a big responsibility. I think I’m transforming into a writer writer because I feel I have a responsibility to my readers. You’re taking time out of your life when you could be doing anything and you’re choosing to read words that came from thoughts in this brain of mine. That’s pretty cool, but again, a responsibility. A responsibility to be truthful, but also respectful. I don’t want to trigger something in someone because of what I write about. I do want to inspire.
A few years ago I was in such a bad place, I don’t even know where to begin with how bad of a place I was in. And I am still ashamed about it which is holding me back from detailing it (I may have mentioned it in a past post). I am having a real challenge breaking though what people from my past think of me. I’ve just showed so many people the absolute worst side of me and I’m embarrassed because I know how far I’ve come. I’ve had setbacks, but when you look at my life and where I came from what I came from, these setbacks make sense. They are almost expected, and they are definitely understood. According to my counselor. And my counselor is smarter than anyone I’ve known plus her opinion matters to me more than “people of the past”. Why do I care what they think? Not that I want revenge or that revenge is even an appropriate word, but I really like the quote “Living well is the best revenge.” I also like Beyonce’s lyric “always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper”. So to the peeps who may think poorly of me, just wait until you see my paper. Find me living well, living my dreams. People may still think poorly of me even after seeing the real me, the me who is pursuing living better and bigger. In that case, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t live my life based on what other people think of me.
I am not the same drunk girl I was over a decade ago. I do, however, still have an inner child I’m trying to care for with no blueprint or guide to follow, so I stumble sometimes. I look at all that I’m doing, and I have reasons to feel proud. I wasn’t happy when I was drinking and going crazy. Not a fan of that. So I’m doing things to ensure I’m continuously improving as a person: Rituals for Transformation, my Dreambook, Motherless Daughters Ministry, this blog — I’m reading, I’m writing, I’m volunteering. I go to counseling weekly. I have the strong inner desire to become the best me I can be, to live my purpose, to be kind and make a difference for other people while I’m here. Because really what am I here for? It can’t be just for me.
So this is where I’m at: balancing feeling not good enough with feeling proud of myself and like a pretty cool person for wanting to improve myself and help others on their own journey.