I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to you about it in real time. But I soon realized I had a lot of unresolved crap and my anxiety took over. I did manage to go to all of the classes and do the exercises, all of which was very helpful in bringing out my internal beliefs that have kept me hidden and afraid and depressed. Which was my goal for the class – I wanted to heal where I am most wounded. And the healing began. But once it started, it brought me severe discomfort mentally and emotionally. My depression depressed the healing. And I let it win. And it’s completely fucked up my world ever since.
So I chose to step back from writing about my motherless daughter journey. I needed to not be a “motherless” daughter. I realize this is me running away from the truth. I don’t want my truth to be my truth. I want something different. I want a mom I can call everyday just to small talk. Any dilemma I face, I want a mom to call to get advice. I want a mom I call my best friend. I want to be loved unconditionally by the woman who birthed me. The woman whose womb I was in. The woman who created me. Her. That’s the woman I want to love me unconditionally. The very woman who created me, brought me on this earth, causes me so much turmoil. That truth cuts deep. And I have no relationship with my father because he is toxic. Like, what were these two people thinking having a child? And to then mess them up so bad that they have developmental problems into adulthood. This leads me to feel like why am I even alive?
So what does that feeling look like?
For several months now I am in bed sleeping most days of the week. Being awake is too difficult. I want to disappear and my mind recently started wondering into the darkness of hopelessness. Thoughts of hanging myself crept in. Since childhood I’ve had suicidal thoughts. As a child I couldn’t verbalize it but I thought “I don’t want to be here anymore”. Doesn’t that break your heart? A little girl feeling so unwanted that she wants to just vanish. Well, that little girl resides in my soul and in my mind. So I struggle with thoughts of “not wanting to be here”, especially when my depression is at its peak. What’s concerning is that it’s not simply a fleeting thought with no specificity. There’s details attached to these thoughts. This brings me to last night.
I hesitate to share. What will people reading this think? What will you think? Owning your truth is transformational. But, In the words of Hobo Johnson, I’m just not there yet. Hobo Johnson fans out there will love that. I feel like if you’re reading these very words at this moment then you HAVE to at least know Hobo Johnson’s music. That’s the type of people I hope to attract and who I feel would understand my writing. So about last night.
I texted the National Suicide Hotline and talked (typed) to someone about how I was feeling, which was “I don’t want to be here anymore.” The same thought I’ve battled throughout my life, since I was a child. I’d say it helped to talk to someone so freely and honestly. I did feel better afterward. But I also felt so ashamed. So ashamed and so weak to have to text a suicide hotline. How pathetic. Wow – I was worried about what other people would think. Look at what I think about myself! I do enough damage on my own. I’m my own worst enemy and all those other sayings that apply to me. I’m embarrassed to even be talking about this, let alone publishing a blog post about it. Yet I am. Why?
I’m starting to feel like my purpose includes my writing. Somehow, someway, for whatever reason, I’m meant to write for the good of the world. So that’s what this blog post is – part of my purpose, me giving back, sharing experiences and real life grittiness living with depression, anxiety and ADHD.
How am I today? I’m good. Especially after writing this all out. So thanks for reading.