I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today I was out of bed by 8 am, took care of my dog, made coffee and here I am. Writing. What is motivating me today?

It may be because I’ve been changing my thinking, challenging the negative thoughts that come up. And please believe me when I say this: it’s like I’m OCD thinking negative things about myself. I mean, I’m embarrassed to even tell stories I created in my mind. But I’m always the underdog, always in the losing position, always at fault. Why? Why do I hate myself so much? Hate is such a strong word, but I have strong thoughts against myself. But, with the help of my counselor, I’ve been challenging those stories. Recently after my mind started spiraling into a negative scenario I said, “Stop. What are you feeling right now?” There’s a reason my internal dialogue is so negative. So instead of letting it play on repeat in my mind with no second thoughts about it, I’m recognizing there’s an underlying emotion, experience and instead of hiding from fear of what I might expose, of what I might have to process, I’m inviting that emotion into my soul consciousness – my soul consciousness is my authentic self – and saying, “Hello. Tell me more about yourself.”

I also contribute my positive thinking to Briana Borten. She is a guide that our highest power put on this earth to encourage us to dream, act and be present. I believe she is living her purpose, and she’s sharing how to do it. Instead of being like, “I’m living my best life. Peace out” she is sharing with others on how to find their purpose and live their best lives, to bring forth their bare, loving selves and use this time we’re gifted with to truly live.

I feel like I have to complete a pre-requisite before I can live my best life and act out my purpose. Like I’m just not good enough, not strong enough, not healthy enough (mentally and physically) to really live. What is this pre-requisite? I don’t even know. It’s just a long-held, deeply engrained belief I have. I’m not good enough. What is good enough? What does “good enough” look like. Well first of all, good enough takes a shower every day and takes care of its appearance. Good enough cleans the house and actually puts away its laundry. I will have to run this by my counselor. No, let’s figure this out right now, seriously.

So what we’re exploring is why I’m not good enough to live my best life. Whether or not that’s true, the list of items to be “good enough” are in my power to change. I can shower every day. I can take care of my appearance. I have nice makeup that I rarely even use. It’s mostly because I work from home and never leave the house. And I choose not to leave the house. I will wear the same clothes for days until I have to go to my counseling session. I’m getting a little better, meaning there is less days between the time I shower and change clothes and when I don’t. Brushing my teeth has become easy. It’s like I’m learning how to live from the perspective of a child. Am I “raising” myself? I suppose in a way I am.

My mental health has stifled my growth. I once showered everyday and wore makeup and worked out. And in my bouts of depression, I regress and stop doing those things. The thing is, I regressed years ago and I’m still living my depression. Or rather, my depression has lived me. So now I’m tired of my being depressed and I want to change, but I’m having a hard time finding the motivation to change. I’ve gone on a couple of walks/jogs (mostly walking). Remember when I ran 17 miles in one day? Now I’m celebrating going on a 2.2-mile walk. Breaking through my depression means starting from scratch in every area of my life – physically, mentally, emotionally this all feels like a rollercoaster. What a cliché comparison, I know. But it’s true. Lately I’ve been up and down throughout the day (yes, my counselor knows this; my psychiatrist doesn’t because our next appointment is in a couple of months). I don’t know why I felt the need to establish that you know that. But I did. So I did.

I’m ready to wrap this up. But let’s explore that first, the being ready to wrap up. I’ve uncovered something and it’s exhausting and scary and I don’t know if I want to continue to uncover this or anything else.

I can do this. I have to.

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