I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go into the office but I worked from home. I just didn’t have it in me to get up and ready for the day. So I dragged myself to my office to at least get some work done, which I managed. I just felt sad no matter what I was doing today. And the reason, I think, is because I just saw my family.
Triggers. I heard that word in an alcohol recovery class I was taking (that deserves its own blog post…coming soon maybe). I feel sad around my family. I feel like the odd one out. I think they feel obligated to have me around. Isn’t that just the saddest way to view yourself? But it’s true. I just don’t feel like I “fit” anywhere. And, the reason I think that is because I am technically an only child. My biological father and mother had one child together, and it was me. While I grew up with my two sisters, I never felt fully a part of them because we have different dads. Little did I know, I would grow up and actually start liking the man my four sisters and I call “Papi”. I wonder if I would feel differently about the relationship with my sisters if I considered their dad my dad earlier? TBH I always thought of him as a dad in some way. We had a challenging relationship, a lot of it because I was trying to push him away because he wasn’t my “real” dad. He was my mother’s ex husband, if you break it down. But he wasn’t just my mother’s ex husband. He was the dad of my two sisters. And he became my dad slowly over the years. My mother made me go with Joel (Papi) when he had visitation with my two sisters. I don’t even know if she gave him an option. Honestly, I think she looked at it as free day care. She never asked if I wanted to go or not. It was just a given. Joel has my sisters this weekend so I’m going with Joel. But if it weren’t for her making me go with him, me and my dad’s relationship would not have grown into what it is today, which included him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day.
So, what will it take for me to feel fully a member of the family? Am I choosing to feel this way, to feel separate? Does it make sense why someone with my family history would not feel all the way a part of a family? I feel so guilty. I feel, I feel, I feel. I need to get out of my feelings and start living and viewing life from a new place. This I’m hoping to achieve by working through Rituals for Transformation. I’m on day 21 of 108 and so far it’s going okay. The messages have scaled back a bit. There was a lot in the beginning about I am not my body, I forgive my body for how I’ve treated it, I am not my mind. Some really heavy stuff. Now we are talking about keeping agreements you make with yourself. My promise to you to blog daily is also a promise to me to blog daily. Or it may be vice versa. I’m not sure which came first – my promise to you or my promise to me? Nevertheless, I’m enjoying it. It’s helping me to get out of my mind and put my thoughts into words that I can organize and control. Writing about the difficult things I’ve experienced in my life does take some of the “sting” out of whatever difficult thing I’m writing about. And it’s interesting that I see words as something I can control. I can’t control my situation, but I can control how I view my situation as evidenced in my writing.
So back to today. Generally I’d say I felt sad. I felt down, unmotivated, tired and distracted much of the day. I see my counselor on Thursday and I’m going to talk to her about my family feelings. I’m interested to hear her point of view.