The following blog post was written in October 2018.

I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me, “I never knew if you were going to show up or not.” I was shaawked. I knew I was a fickle client but 1) I didn’t know I was that inconsistent with keeping our appointments and 2) I didn’t think my inconsistency was that big of a deal.

Fast forward to today. Actually rewind to a few months ago.

  • Week 6: Cancelled and rescheduled for week 5.
  • Week 5: Cancelled the reschedule and rescheduled for week 4
  • Week 4: Cancelled.
  • Week 3: Ghost.
  • Week 2: Scheduled for week 1.
  • Week 1: Cancelled.
  • Today: I am afraid my counselor hates me.

So why am I avoiding going to my appointments? Aside from general terrifying anxiety, I didn’t have an answer until weeks after my final cancellation. One morning as I looked toward the blue sky and whispering clouds hoping with every piece of my being to find relief, I only saw my sadness and confusion dangling above my head blocking my view of any view not consumed by sadness and confusion.

Avoiding talking to my counselor is avoiding dealing with my current situation which is (still) Mr. P and my unsure marriage. It’s like I have to deal with it everyday, trying to be positive and spending time with him while wrestling with the anger and betrayal I feel toward him. Plus we are going to marriage counseling every 2-3 weeks, which is a positive step, but it’s still an added layer of “dealing.”

I need my counselor to know the “why” behind not following through with our sessions. I’m not a flake or unaware of her precious time. In addition to my inability to process even more shit I’m already processing, some of it is embarrassment. I came in “guns blazing” with my new apartment and comforter set and then my next email to her was, “I’m not moving out and I lost my job.” I feel like I failed at being brave and loving myself and making good decisions and being an adult.

My emotional state is as follows: I cry daily, stay in bed until the afternoon most weekdays and take naps at 2-3 pm on weekends which of course just means I’m in bed for the night. I have been having negative, hopeless thoughts. I started praying recently and I have felt a little better. I will have a negative thought but then it feels like something swoops in and says “No, that’s not right.

To end on a hopeful note, because I feel obligated to do so, I am reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. It stirs up some magical thinking and beliefs in my soul. I discovered this book at the very moment when I couldn’t need these words anymore than I do at this exact minute of my time on this universe.

I always have books and I always have writing, my true unconditional sources of love and truth and hope.

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