I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to me as much as it’s a promise to you. It also just makes sense. I will continue to journal by hand because I read or heard that you are able to recall more because of the delay in thinking something and then writing it down. I really don’t know. I don’t want to go day by day of the book to get you caught up to where I’m at so I’ll just give you a summary for today’s post.
Basically, I’ve been doing life all wrong. As it turns out, I am not my mind. I am also not my body. So wtf am I? Oh, oh and what’s more – my mind has been totally fucking with me my entire life. Like my entire life. At the heart of my mind, if my mind has a heart, is protection. My mind is protecting me. From danger. From bad feelings. From things that threaten my survival.
You know, it’s great that my mind is protecting me and all, but it’s really doing me no good, and I’m realizing that with each day I read RFT. And patterns. PATTERNS, boy do I have patterns. And they all suck for me. Every part of me is drawn to the negative – my thoughts, emotions, what ifs, should ofs – it’s all negative. All of these scenarios that play out in my mind always leave me as the victim, as the one who is wrong and bad. And some of these scenarios include despicable things I’ve done (we’ll get to all of that soon, don’t worry). But that doesn’t mean the scenario has to end where I’m in the losing position. I’ve also begun asking myself, “Why am I not believing in amazing life happenings?” Life happenings as in a famous author comes across my writing and reaches out to me. What would she say? Who knows! Anything! That’s the point I’m trying to make. I can ponder all day about which author would reach out, and what would the author say, what would the author have read and liked of mine. So why are my thoughts automatically negative? And more specifically, negative where I lose somehow in the pretend thing that’s never happened.
My negative thoughts don’t let me down. They are negative, the lowest of the low so there’s no way I can get my hopes up and be crushed if I never have any hope to begin with. Don’t expect anything either. Expecting good things will happen to you is selfish, as my mother always told me. Her voice is my inner critic. I am embarrassed to say I’m a slave to my inner critic. Well, not as much since I’ve been reading this book. I’ve also been going to church and that has helped me on my healing journey as well as RFT. AND, there’s more! I have Motherless Daughters Ministry who I volunteer with and I write blogs about my own daughter journey, similar to this blog but I can’t say fuck. See all of these good and stable resources I have in my life! I don’t need negative thoughts to keep me from harm. I am surrounded by an army of people who would drop everything they were doing to help me if I needed it. So, Negative Thoughts, thank you for protecting me. You can rest now.
Other realizations: I judge my body harshly, unconsciously, and all the freaking time. Movement should be fun. I need to nourish my body with measured eating, increased activity and all of the inner work I am doing. Oh and meditating can be a real bitch. But as Briana Borten told me HERSELF, it’s called a practice for a reason.
And on that…until tomorrow.