I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found:
October 27, 2010: What do I believe? I’m not good enough. I’m damaged. I don’t have discipline; discipline is hard for me. I have trouble keeping friends. I have problems with people. I can’t do XYZ. I won’t ever XYZ. I’m so in debt. All negative thoughts – negative beliefs – negative reality.
I feel so sad for the woman who wrote this, the woman who was feeling such defeat with no self-worth. I wrote that a little less than 5 years ago. Five years ago! I have come so far in my journey. I have truly victored over some of those beliefs. I struggle a little, but after reading this, I realize how much I have found my authentic self. My sadness for this woman is now filled with joy. Joy because she had no idea where her life was going. Well sweet girl, it ended up going to great places. Yes, bad decisions and acting out on these negative beliefs did happen. But without the rain, I wouldn’t be the cute little leprechaun sitting with a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I am moved by my words, so I go back even further.
August 5, 2010: Get Past Your Past – Thoughts on Joyce Meyer
The reason she [Joyce Meyer] is spreading this message [getting past your past] to millions is because millions have a past they want to get over. I’m NOT unique in this way. Find my uniqueness in the positive and present instead of the negative past. Be needy for the Lord. Beg, fall at His feet. Know that I am nothing without God. I am hungry, homeless without the Lord. Just because I wake up depressed doesn’t mean I have to stay depressed. A worm transfers into a butterfly. What beauty can I transform into? Transformation requires renewal.
I love me some Joyce Meyer! The pain she endured, the pain she overcame is tremendous. Her father molested her for years growing up, and his life ended with her taking care of him because he was ill. Joyce Meyer – I’m left speechless. Talk about forgiveness. Talk about searching, digging her heels into manure to find grace. This girl who was experiencing such horrific things, in those moments she had no idea that she would change her life, create her own journey and lead millions to God and to living a better story.
A few days later, I wrote:
August 11, 2010: Living without frustration. Don’t fight darkness. Accept the light. If I don’t change me, then this is how I’m staying. I change because I love Him and I want to glorify Him. Do what I can. He’ll do what I can’t.
September 28, 2010: If love is a battlefield, I surrender happily. Happily? I surrender because it causes me so much pain. Casualties of the heart, the mind, and self-respect. And don’t get me started on the other guy. Or, shall I say guys? Yes there’s been many, and many have been viscous. Pirates and barbarians robbing me of my sails. Why did I think the next one would be different? Back to the question at hand. If love is….I surrender.
September 29, 2010: Silence. I can appreciate it now. I never did before. I ran from it. Silence was when my mind started talking, revealing to me my greatest fears and inadequacies. My mother, my drinking, my promiscuity. NO – I cannot face these things. They just aren’t so. I am okay. I am okay. Don’t tell me I’m not okay.
I then instruct myself: FINISH OUT THIS THOUGHT.
I ran and I ran from this silence until I found myself collapsed in the dirt, bloodied and bruised from my unsuccessful escape. It was here that the Truth caught up with me. I was wounded and terrified, but oddly, that Truth extended her hand. Even more peculiar, I allowed her to help me to my feet. I was standing. Still as an insect hiding from its prey. It was while standing hand in hand with Truth, that I accepted all.
I’m a wise old bird, aren’t I! I love the insight I was having at this time. Oh, man was I struggling. My soul was restless but set on finding grace. As I first journaled these words, I had no idea that I’d be sitting in my own home, building my own life with the most giving, selfless, forgiving man. In my library, yes we have a library, filled with Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nouwen, Beverly Engel. With my sweet furry companion at my side, I leave you with this: whoever you are, wherever you are, there is hope and forgiveness and self-worth in your future. Journal. Read. You must go through the pain, though. I know, it sucks. But go through it — it’s worth it. You are worth it.
…until Part Two.
Photo by Ashlyn Ciara on Unsplash
