I’m on a spiritual journey, of sorts. I’m not in church every Sunday, but I do go to a women’s life group at a church around the corner once a week. I also have a mentor through that same church. She’s the wise owl I speak of in previous posts.
I took a sabbatical from Instagram, and it has extended to be long-term. It’s better for my self-esteem and growth if I’m not looking at other people’s lives (and it’s only the good stuff that people show anyways). If you want to know how I’m really doing, don’t look at my Instagram. Read this blog. Eek. Or not. I’m torn between not wanting anyone to discover this blog to wanting to promote it and amplify the messages and insight I give. I’m no Brene Brown or Glennon Doyle-Melton, or Elizabeth Gilbert. Or so many other wise women. But I do have a story to tell. From a summer beach romance to being disconnected from my mentally ill father and mother – there’s good and bad. There’s love and death, addiction, self-sabotage, unconditional love where I least expected it…everything.
How do I dive into it? Do I tip toe? Reveal a little at a time? Reveal anything at all? What is my purpose? I want to help others. I want my mistakes and pain to not be in vain. In order to grow, there are some things I need to give up. I’m afraid though. Giving up these things means confronting my reality, and understanding changes need to be made stat.
But…part of me will never feel fully “worth it”. Worth a good life. Worth a good man. Worth good friendships. Worth a nice home. Worth a great job. Sometimes worth a shower. And I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
My journey continues.