The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. You’ve got to move on from that.” “I wouldn’t want […]
You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading
Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his music and I am always super inspired to write when
An Evening I Will Not Forget Keep Reading
I’m balancing writing about the fond and good memories I have as a childhood with some real trauma I experienced. I’m trying to hold space for love for both sides of those responsible for my trauma, for they were also responsible for some nice moments. However, as I just said,
Holding space for love and trauma Keep Reading
Very recently, I attended a workshop about overcoming your trauma through writing. W.T.F. When I first came across the name of the workshop, which was hosted by Writespace where I’ve attended many workshops in the past, I thought, “This is speaking to me.” I just felt it in my connective
Overcoming Through Writing Keep Reading
Sitting at my desk filled with empty beer bottles lingering from two weekends past, I write. I kept the cans as a souvenir from my last trip, the trip I took down memory lane, the same trip I’ve taken every weekend since I was sixteen when I tasted my first
The Song of My Soul Keep Reading
I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. I don’t know why these people keep me in their lives — maybe they feel bad for me and know I’d be alone without
Doubt is a Mother Keep Reading
I started off on journey, not toward closure specifically but a journey toward a better life, toward a newer, healthier version of myself. I am seeing a counselor regularly. I have been on medication for several months now. I am reading inspirational books, I am praying, I am limiting my
The subject of love has been on my mind since I set out on my journey. Love, a strange emotion that I don’t really understand and unsure if I’ve ever really felt – love – pure, without bitterness or regret, without strings attached or unmet expectations looming in the distance,
New Understanding: I am Lovable Keep Reading
I wanted to write something eloquent. But fuck it. In my therapy, I am uncovering decades of hurt, beginning from even before my earliest memories. My counselor asked me the most incredible question I think a therapist could ask someone who is suicidal. “How old do you feel when you
The brokenhearted child Keep Reading
I’ve shared a lot about my mental health challenges which do stem from my childhood and how my mother raised and treated me. I’ve written about my absent biological father which also lends to my mental health challenges. And while mental health is a journey of its own, I want
So, what is The Daughter Journey? Keep Reading
It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I’m just going to ramble. Not every post has to be eloquent, right? My sister is getting married to a man she’s only known 6 months and who has a
Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles Keep Reading
This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me, truly, and care about me unconditionally, then you will read
Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading
My role as identified patient extends beyond my mother…apparently. I spoke up to my immediate family about recent mistreatment I received by my sister’s boyfriend. The result – they sided with him, and the whole thing became about my mental illness. I’m not getting help. But actually I am getting
The Identified Patient Extends to Immediate Family Keep Reading
I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged lifeLet me speak my concessions while you hold the knifeBloodied
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading
Wound up from the sound of my wounds It seems my seams are splitting with the spiting, hitting, biting fighting When does it end, I’m a child Haunted while you nonchalantly hiss go to your room That’s no escape, that’s no better The yelling only gets louder Smothering or indifferent
The first poem I wrote about being 5 years old and wanting to die Keep Reading
“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor guy. I wasn’t intentionally lying. I honestly felt like I was doing soooo great. That was about two weeks ago. Now that I’ve cried
While reading Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW, I came across tidbits of information regarding traits, characteristics, behaviors, emotions, etc. of adult children of parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’d like to share. “…sons and daughters may feel like they can’t live life independently
Adult Children of Parents with BPD Keep Reading
Joyce Meyer recently preached about how silence feeds our fears, our regrets, and our sorrows. She said one of the best things we can do is talk to someone about our pain, get it out in the open, and not suffer silently and alone. For me personally, I need help
Silent Expectations Keep Reading
I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers. My mother’s emotions were bat crazy; she was in and
Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading
…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there it is. Why do I think this post is probably
This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I didn’t see him for several years. “Why doesn’t he want me?” I remember crying out to my mother. I had a wallet sized picture
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood and early adulthood. It hurts to know, to finally understand,
I’m still relevant Keep Reading
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book. It’s a lot of positivity that is entering my brain
Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find peace in knowing that friends and family may one day come across my blog. That is scary to me. What will they think? Will
It’s only a matter of time Keep Reading
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or Oscar the Grouch (he lives in a trashcan afterall). Depression
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep and I had some work to do so I said,
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings Keep Reading
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an extent, I hope it does. But we’re all adults so
The Other Scarlet Letter Keep Reading
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to you about it in real time. But I soon realized
Laying it out there Keep Reading
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I saw it – the ministry’s address – Ohio. Ohio! Really?
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will not have a life different from the one you have
Three Decades of Beliefs Keep Reading
My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should not get too caught up or worried about “form,” because eventually paragraphs and pages will begin falling into place and one’s writing will begin
The Brief: How I Survived Childhood Keep Reading
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came into my life, it wasn’t until the past few years that I was able to put my self-deprecating actions into words. Self-sabotage. Education, finances,
A Frenchman and a Child Keep Reading
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel the author. My mother was a key player, of course. But I was surprised how she took the role of both the father and
Rules to be Written Keep Reading
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control
I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still surprise me with what that woman is capable of doing and saying. What if she gets a hold of my writing and starts a
Wandering through the Woes Keep Reading
I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel, if it brings you to a place – 5-years-old, 20-years-old, wherever you go, tell yourself, “This, too. This, too, needs a voice. This, too,
The Voice of Forgiveness Keep Reading
Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my chaotic home life, a safe place where I could be a care-free child without fear of criticism or rejection. When the fighting between my
Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace Keep Reading
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments of “spacing out”. But with all of this pain and
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors Keep Reading
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And there she was, asking me questions that I didn’t want to answer — “Where are you living?” “Where are you working?” “I don’t even
Bridal Shower Boundaries Keep Reading
“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where did the problems I was born into end and the ones I created begin? What if it’s all the same, one continuum of a
I’m dangerously close to the deadline of submitting my stories for the PTSD/Suicide Prevention book. I’ve always been a procrastinator, and some of my best work has come when I was down to the wire. I decided I’d pick up Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen and read a
Writer’s Block < Inner Voice of Love Keep Reading
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will not have a life different from the one you have
Three Decades of Beliefs Keep Reading