I intentionally had to sit down and force myself to write a blog post. I have been avoiding it. Why? I think I am afraid.
Afraid of what will come to mind, what new memories or past mistakes will come haunting me that I will have to manage among just trying to get through the days.
I am happy. I am content. I am feeling very peaceful. However, it does feel like some days are just a plain struggle. And I don’t want it to be that way. I’ve been taking action to lessen the struggle.
I’ve begun some healthy habits, including strength training which is essential for a gal my age. Also, I am taking creatine, fish oil, magnesium and vitamin D. I’ve listened to so many podcasts lately that talk about the positives of taking these nutrients, so I’m giving it a try – I’ve been on them for about 2.5 months. So far, so good. But, I think I need more time to fully evaluate any results I may or may not be experiencing.
Therapy is once weekly, and has been for about 2 years. It has been lifechanging. There are a few difficult topics, one in particular, that we are just now touching the surface. Taking it slow. I don’t want to spiral. So, we are going at a slow but steady pace.
Of course, my mother comes up in almost every session. Her critical, hateful voice that wounded my inner child, and that I am still contending with. I am coming to know my anger and loneliness and feeling abandoned, neglected and rejected. It’s so fucking hard sometimes – talking about her. When part of me will of course always hope the best for her but is also waiting for the call she has passed because of her terrible, failing health. And what then? How do I move forward from that? From the loss of someone you have been estranged from for nearly two decades. The regret, the “should I have called,” all of that.
With all the therapy I have had to journal daily – sometimes twice a day. That helps me tremendously make sense of all of these emotions I experience on any given day.
This is what life with bipolar looks like – it can be structured, planned, intentional…but still the array of emotions I feel each day can be overwhelming. On top of work, daily duties, being a wife, working to be a better wife, working to be a better person. Overwhelming is a gently word to explain how I feel sometimes. Sometimes often.
I realize I can be experiencing pain and feeling content and grateful at the same time. Both can exist. I don’t have to be all depressed, or all manic happy. I can be balanced and hold both – and I have the courage and resources to do just that – hold both.
So, this is my imperfect post. Maybe a bit of rambling. But, I wanted to share what has been working for me, but also the reality of mental health challenges as a woman with bipolar and anxiety and ADHD and….well, high blood pressure and sleep apnea – also being taken care of. But, this is what it looks like. So, if you can relate – maybe try some of these things I have been doing to possibly find relief.
With love and joy to you,
K
Photo by Unseen Studio on Unsplash
