Junk in my Trunk
Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how books are written. The author writes. Writes a lot. And I have not been […]
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A Frenchman and a Child
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came into my life, it wasn’t until the past few years that I was able
A Frenchman and a Child Keep Reading
blogging to be better, childhood, compassion, getting over my past, inner child, mothers, self-sabotage
…that which bring healing.
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close to Bartok. While she has a schizophrenic mother, I have an emotionally ill mother.
…that which bring healing. Keep Reading
books, getting over my past, guilt, healing, mental illness, mothers, pain
Belonging
It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on the same scale of “how the hell am I going to do this today?”
Rules to be Written
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel the author. My mother was a key player, of course. But I was surprised
Rules to be Written Keep Reading
childhood, family, getting over my past, mother, reading
Ramblings about Growth and Struggle
Can there be growth without struggle? I switch back and forth between contentment, anger, and sadness. One constant is that I always feel blessed. How can I feel sad and blessed at the same time? I really don’t understand my
Ramblings about Growth and Struggle Keep Reading
adhd, confusion, growth, life, sadness, struggles
#7 and #8
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense
Wandering through the Woes
I have these fears about my mother, irrational maybe, but based on her past behavior nothing would surprise me anymore. Actually, I think she could still surprise me with what that woman is capable of doing and saying. What if
Wandering through the Woes Keep Reading
blogging to be better, childhood, courage, family, memoir, mother, truth, writing
Got Anger?
I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it. She gave me a week to think of a
Gratitude Season
It’s gratitude season for me. I have been recognizing all that I am blessed with and how, no matter how severe my depression and challenging motherless daughter journey gets, I have so.many.blessings. And what is wonderful about this realization is
And this too shall pass
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she projects. So, maybe she is actually saying may God have mercy on her soul.
And this too shall pass Keep Reading
borderline, getting over my past, healing, mother, reading
May God Have Mercy on Your Soul
These are the words my mother left me with after finding me on Etsy. ETSY! How she found me can only be due to her stalker-rific online behavior. First, she messaged me on Etsy a few times asking about my
May God Have Mercy on Your Soul Keep Reading
acceptance, borderline, guilt, mother
Learning to be Loved
Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I felt out of place and like I was wearing a sign that said “Not
Learning to be Loved Keep Reading
family, getting over my past, loving myself today, self love, struggles
Symptoms of BPD
I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were very interesting. The first of the two seemed like smooth sailing when I began.
Struggle Forward
Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be real?” Talking with my counselor earlier this week, she said something very Oprah-esque. “You
You are always enough.
I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept – I’m good enough where I am. Sure, I could be better, healthier, skinnier. But that doesn’t make me good. I
You are always enough. Keep Reading
challenges, commitment, dolphins, dreams, finding my place, Jesus, journaling, living a better story, looking forward, prayer, pushing myself, putting God first, sacrifice, tomorrow, trying new things, uncertainty
The Voice of Forgiveness
I recently listened to a guided meditation. There was one meditative point I have not been able to get out of my head. “Whatever you feel, if it brings you to a place – 5-years-old, 20-years-old, wherever you go, tell
The Voice of Forgiveness Keep Reading
childhood, forgiveness, self love
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so. I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future Keep Reading
blogging to be better, getting over my past, healing, journaling, mother, mothers, reading
My Mother and Domestic Violence
Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes the importance of reading: you cannot be a good author and tell the story
My Mother and Domestic Violence Keep Reading
books, depression, divorce, domestic violence, family, memoir, mother, secrets, truth
Steps in All Directons
Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. They leave me with
Steps in All Directons Keep Reading
anxiety, big steps forward, depression, questions, struggles
Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace
Knowing I would see Mam-ma and Pap-pa saved me from completely drowning in the trauma surrounding me. They provided me with a refuge away from my chaotic home life, a safe place where I could be a care-free child without
Great-Grandparents: My Saving Grace Keep Reading
blessings, childhood, church, family, grandparents, memories
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression Keep Reading
choices, depression, drinking, getting over my past, healing, pain, promiscuity, self-sabotage, shame
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors Keep Reading
blueprints, childhood, community, getting over my past, healing, mothers, reading
Nouwen Again
As I grow sleepy from my nighttime medication, I felt the need to pick up a Nouwen book from my book collection, to get some sense of clarity from my current feelings of neglect, misunderstanding and guilt for my recent
Accept the kindness from your inner self, and share your journey to nourish your mind and body, and yours alone
I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course. But I’ve opened up to this group of strangers more than I’ve opened up
Bridal Shower Boundaries
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And there she was, asking me questions that I didn’t want to answer — “Where
Bridal Shower Boundaries Keep Reading
anxiety, baggage, big steps forward, childhood, courage, family, getting over my past, mother
Pretzels Before Pain
“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by something she was saying. I don’t even remember what it was about. This same
Pretzels Before Pain Keep Reading
borderline, family, forgiveness, healing, mother, passing of time, relationships, sadness, sisters
Sore, Not Soar
“Sometimes you have to find your wings on the way down,” I once heard someone say. Hopeful words if I hadn’t already hit the ground. Where did the problems I was born into end and the ones I created begin?
Writer’s Block < Inner Voice of Love
I’m dangerously close to the deadline of submitting my stories for the PTSD/Suicide Prevention book. I’ve always been a procrastinator, and some of my best work has come when I was down to the wire. I decided I’d pick up
Writer’s Block < Inner Voice of Love Keep Reading
childhood, clarity, healing, Henri Nouwen, inner critic, pain, putting God first, reading, truth, writing
Free Workshop Equals Priceless Revelation
I did an online energy healing workshop yesterday hosted by Briana Borton, founder of The Dragontree (http://thedragontree.com/about/). Yes, yes, to some “energy healing” sounds hokey, and it sounded that way to me years ago. But I do believe we all
Free Workshop Equals Priceless Revelation Keep Reading
ah-ha moments, anxiety, authentic self, big steps forward, clarity, connection, dragontree, emotions, energy, feelings, getting over my past, healing, looking forward
Reliving My Pain Through Sharing My Story
I was given the opportunity to contribute stories to be published in a book about PTSD, suicide prevention and overcoming trauma. Of course I didn’t hesitate to say, “Yes!” Until I started piecing together my personal stories. I’ve been journaling
Reliving My Pain Through Sharing My Story Keep Reading
anger, mental illness, suicide, writing
What’s the difference?
What makes this section in the pie of my life taste the way it does? Bitterness is sure to be found, then and now, but less back then so it seems. It was sweeter back then too, or again, so
What’s the difference? Keep Reading
change, depression, life, questions
Three Decades of Beliefs
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will
Three Decades of Beliefs Keep Reading
beliefs, childhood, life, self talk, struggles
An Anxiety Ago
My anxiety. Where is it going? And why did it decide to leave so suddenly? As I looked at my very own website that is still very much under construction and read my domain name I thoughtfully chose, I had
Fighting Suicide
“As a social worker, I’m seeing red flags when you say that. Do you feel like you are a burden on your friends and family?” I was completing my discharge after-care plan with the social worker provided to me by
Bit by Bit
I’ve had some pep in my step the last few days. I’ve cleaned, organized…which are things I so do not do. But the husband and I talked about children the other night, a talk that left me crying, but in