This is what life with bipolar looks like – it can be structured, planned, intentional…but still the array of emotions I feel each day can be overwhelming. On top of work, daily duties, being a wife, working to be a better wife, working to be a better person. Overwhelming is a gently word to explain how I feel sometimes. Sometimes often.
The Imperfect Post Keep Reading
I recently read a LinkedIn post by a writer who said, “Your audience needs to hear from you consistently. Not perfectly.” And I thought, that is so true. I don’t have to publish the most eloquent blog post in order for my content, my words, my thoughts to be relevant
The “Sometimes” List Keep Reading
The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. You’ve got to move on from that.” “I wouldn’t want
You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading
Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his music and I am always super inspired to write when
An Evening I Will Not Forget Keep Reading
I had a very important meeting yesterday that will have a big impact on the future of my career. It was in the big city about 2 hours north of where I live. I left early and spent the morning and early afternoon working hard to take a big step
Hopeful and Happy Keep Reading
Traveling back to March 2015 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes. Reading this blog is kind of neat — it’s like a not-so-secret diary where I can voice my opinions, put my fear into words, type
As I walked toward the stable, I noticed how quiet it was. Literally, there were no noises, just the occasional bird chirping or tree leaves rustling from the wind. No traffic, no television, and no phone. I was completely disconnected from the world. I thought to myself, “This is a
When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Not Without Worry Keep Reading
This is a “just because” post. Just because I’m feeling good. And feisty. Have you heard the phrase, “Keep your grass cut low.” That’s where I’m at right now. Reevaluating relationships with painful realizations that things may never be the same again. “How melodramatic!” my husband would say. But it’s
The “Just Because” Post Keep Reading
This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me, truly, and care about me unconditionally, then you will read
Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading
I never thought of horses as more than a pet for country folk. I wasn’t ever the little girl who asked for a pony for Christmas or my birthday, and I didn’t understand why any girl would. They smell. My first experience with a pony was at a kiddie amusement park
When A Soul Awakens: It Begins Without Notice Keep Reading
My role as identified patient extends beyond my mother…apparently. I spoke up to my immediate family about recent mistreatment I received by my sister’s boyfriend. The result – they sided with him, and the whole thing became about my mental illness. I’m not getting help. But actually I am getting
The Identified Patient Extends to Immediate Family Keep Reading
I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged lifeLet me speak my concessions while you hold the knifeBloodied
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading
My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the apparent night fallsI’m sure the bugs are doing something but those can stay far away. Yes, even the lady bugs, however cute. I can’t
I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found: October 27, 2010: What do I believe? I’m not good enough. I’m damaged. I don’t have discipline; discipline is
Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One Keep Reading
I spent some time with a good friend yesterday, but even this didn’t help. I think it made things worse. Despite being 10:30 am on a sunny Saturday, I was having a rough day, so many emotions so early in the day. My friend invited me to lunch. I’d have
I feel lonely. I feel lonely and alone in the world. I feel like there is a city bustling outside my walls, laughter and comraderie floating through the air. I have places where I could go and people I could be around. In fact, I’ve received a few invites just
Lonely Contentment Keep Reading
I am an avid listener to Joyce Meyer’s audio podcasts of her television and radio programs. Jesus speaks to me so clearly through her messages. And, Joyce Meyer speaks often about her childhood – she came from a horrible, broken place…and through it all she didn’t just survive, but she
A Lady Named Joyce Keep Reading
…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there it is. Why do I think this post is probably
This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading
Today was one of those days…where 7 days feel crammed into one, with all of a week’s worth of errands to run, tasks to complete, and emotions to flow crazily through my body. I was happy yet sad, patient yet frustrated, giving yet stubborn. I loved my life one minute,
[Emotional] Rollercoaster Keep Reading
I put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling my insights. I’m trying to live a better life. I’ve made so many boneheaded mistakes as an adult. I’m very hard on myself. If
Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl Keep Reading
I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I don’t even believe it. I cannot watch this man deteriorate. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with Alzheimer’s and I can’t imagine seeing my dad
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book. It’s a lot of positivity that is entering my brain
Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading
I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind the music I listen to. Needless to say, I did a lot of research on Lil Peep, I learned about GothBoiClique the music collective
Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings Keep Reading
I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to me as much as it’s a promise to you. It also just makes sense. I will continue to journal by hand because I read
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him a lot. Therefore, I cry a lot. His music makes
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or Oscar the Grouch (he lives in a trashcan afterall). Depression
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday that alcohol has ended so many relationships that actuallhy had
This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, thus I have the Emotionally Absent Mother class which wrapped up about 45 minutes ago. I’m just kind of sitting with myself, listening to
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I saw it – the ministry’s address – Ohio. Ohio! Really?
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close to Bartok. While she has a schizophrenic mother, I have an emotionally ill mother. Not to say that I am not an emotionally ill
…that which bring healing. Keep Reading
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she projects. So, maybe she is actually saying may God have mercy on her soul. Just maybe. All this Borderline talk has me feeling a
And this too shall pass Keep Reading
I’ve done a bit more reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman , PH.D., LCSW. My last two readings were very interesting. The first of the two seemed like smooth sailing when I began. But I started to feel irritated and a little angry.
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so. I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for me to be a “house-girlfriend.” That was until we added
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future Keep Reading
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I carried those behaviors with me as I entered middle school,
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression Keep Reading
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments of “spacing out”. But with all of this pain and
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors Keep Reading
I am part of a community. A community of writers, and they all remind me of me. I can be myself. It’s still scary, of course. But I’ve opened up to this group of strangers more than I’ve opened up to anyone in my life, husband and counselor included.
“You are just like mom!” my or-so-I-thought-confidante sister yells at me. Says the girl screaming at me because I said she was stressing me out by something she was saying. I don’t even remember what it was about. This same girl, the day before, stormed off from Auntie Anne’s in
Pretzels Before Pain Keep Reading
I’m dangerously close to the deadline of submitting my stories for the PTSD/Suicide Prevention book. I’ve always been a procrastinator, and some of my best work has come when I was down to the wire. I decided I’d pick up Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen and read a
Writer’s Block < Inner Voice of Love Keep Reading
I did an online energy healing workshop yesterday hosted by Briana Borton, founder of The Dragontree (http://thedragontree.com/about/). Yes, yes, to some “energy healing” sounds hokey, and it sounded that way to me years ago. But I do believe we all hold an energy: the energy of our soul, of our
Free Workshop Equals Priceless Revelation Keep Reading
I’ve had some pep in my step the last few days. I’ve cleaned, organized…which are things I so do not do. But the husband and I talked about children the other night, a talk that left me crying, but in the days following brought some light into the subject. He