This is what life with bipolar looks like – it can be structured, planned, intentional…but still the array of emotions I feel each day can be overwhelming. On top of work, daily duties, being a wife, working to be a better wife, working to be a better person. Overwhelming is a gently word to explain how I feel sometimes. Sometimes often.
The Imperfect Post Keep Reading
The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. You’ve got to move on from that.” “I wouldn’t want
You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading
There are moments in your life where you just “get it”. You suddenly understand life and all it has to offer–all you have to offer. The lightbulb in your soul clicks on for a second and leaves just the same. Here is my account of when I experienced one such
New Understanding: The Moment Keep Reading
I started off on journey, not toward closure specifically but a journey toward a better life, toward a newer, healthier version of myself. I am seeing a counselor regularly. I have been on medication for several months now. I am reading inspirational books, I am praying, I am limiting my
Traveling back to March 2015 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes. Reading this blog is kind of neat — it’s like a not-so-secret diary where I can voice my opinions, put my fear into words, type
This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me, truly, and care about me unconditionally, then you will read
Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading
“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor guy. I wasn’t intentionally lying. I honestly felt like I was doing soooo great. That was about two weeks ago. Now that I’ve cried
It was a Monday about 3 years ago. I had a super depressed day, spent all day in bed on Saturday. Did some crying, felt like I wanted to disconnect from everyone in my life. I thought, “After my husband goes to work is the perfect time to hang myself.
The day my dog saved my life Keep Reading
Here are my thoughts after reading Nouwen’s imperative titled, Trust Your Friends. “Much of your ability to trust your friends depends on your belief in your own goodness.” I kept reading these words of Nouwen over and over. I couldn’t think about anything else in this imperative other than “your
The “Good Enough” Self-Talk Keep Reading
I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers. My mother’s emotions were bat crazy; she was in and
Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I didn’t see him for several years. “Why doesn’t he want me?” I remember crying out to my mother. I had a wallet sized picture
About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking about killing myself every day. I had a plan, I had written my letters to friends and family, I just had to muster up
Kristin on Ketamine Keep Reading
I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
Giving up things of the world Keep Reading
I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to keep you interested in reading. I’m also afraid that if I don’t blog everyday that I’ll go back into writing hibernation where I wasn’t
This Journey I’m On Keep Reading
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find peace in knowing that friends and family may one day come across my blog. That is scary to me. What will they think? Will
It’s only a matter of time Keep Reading
I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go into the office but I worked from home. I just didn’t have it in me to get up and ready for the day. So
Today was a sad day Keep Reading
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him a lot. Therefore, I cry a lot. His music makes
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had several bird features and even a bird bath! Can you imagine being a kid and watching birds land on this statue-esque structure and clean
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep and I had some work to do so I said,
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings Keep Reading
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an extent, I hope it does. But we’re all adults so
The Other Scarlet Letter Keep Reading
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to you about it in real time. But I soon realized
Laying it out there Keep Reading
I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today I was out of bed by 8 am, took care
Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward Keep Reading
This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel really good when our analytics show we’re getting a lot of exposure. And if these tweets don’t get likes then I feel myself getting
The Instagram Effect Keep Reading
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to thinking, I’ll be that age in 20 years. I was
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I saw it – the ministry’s address – Ohio. Ohio! Really?
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me, “I never knew if you were going to show up
Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance Keep Reading
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake the downers to come down from the uppers. It leaves
On the journey of med adherence Keep Reading
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m nearing the “now or never” age and I’m finding myself not ready. I’m still healing emotionally and mentally, my book is underway, and I
Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted Keep Reading
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to ramble about my thoughts and experiences I’ve had through the day, ruminating thoughts, bouts of depression, sky high anxiety…you know all the good sunshine
Between Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and an article I read in The Mission Newsletter, I am writing for the sake of writing. Because that’s how books are written. The author writes. Writes a lot. And I have not been writing. Anything. But now I am. Could this post get
Struggle: this is a word I am familiar with. Sometimes too familiar, sometimes way too familiar. Hourly I find myself asking, “Will my struggle always be real?” Talking with my counselor earlier this week, she said something very Oprah-esque. “You either struggle backward or you struggle forward.” As my counselor
Writing a Memoir 101, a workshop I’m taking, is helping to strengthen my confidence as a writer and why I am worth reading. The book emphasizes the importance of reading: you cannot be a good author and tell the story you want to tell without being an avid reader. The
My Mother and Domestic Violence Keep Reading
Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I’m still moving forward and making progress, it’s those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. They leave me with no motivation or sense of importance or urgency with anything.
Steps in All Directons Keep Reading
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I carried those behaviors with me as I entered middle school,
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression Keep Reading
What makes this section in the pie of my life taste the way it does? Bitterness is sure to be found, then and now, but less back then so it seems. It was sweeter back then too, or again, so it seems. When I’m in a down mood with my
What’s the difference? Keep Reading
“As a social worker, I’m seeing red flags when you say that. Do you feel like you are a burden on your friends and family?” I was completing my discharge after-care plan with the social worker provided to me by the hospital. Her name was Hanna and she was soft