The words my mother-in-law said to me after she asked, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugar coat it?” Of course I said, “The truth.” “Your family is not speaking to you. They just aren’t. You’ve got to move on from that.” “I wouldn’t want […]
You’ve done the work. It’s time to move on from it. Keep Reading
Dermot Kennedy’s songs came up twice in last weekend’s Writespace workshop, which was about connecting your writing to sounds. And, I signed up for the workshop with Dermot Kennedy on my mind because I am so, very moved by his music and I am always super inspired to write when
An Evening I Will Not Forget Keep Reading
The following blog post is exactly why I journal and publish for all to read. I love reading the insight I gained in the exact moment I gained it. Fifteen years ago I felt so lost, as I outline in this blog post. But…I decided to take charge of my
Changing the Course of a Day Keep Reading
I had a very important meeting yesterday that will have a big impact on the future of my career. It was in the big city about 2 hours north of where I live. I left early and spent the morning and early afternoon working hard to take a big step
Hopeful and Happy Keep Reading
Sitting at my desk filled with empty beer bottles lingering from two weekends past, I write. I kept the cans as a souvenir from my last trip, the trip I took down memory lane, the same trip I’ve taken every weekend since I was sixteen when I tasted my first
The Song of My Soul Keep Reading
I’m really doubting myself right now. Doubting my abilities as a writer, as an employee, a wife. I feel like I don’t have much to offer. I don’t know why these people keep me in their lives — maybe they feel bad for me and know I’d be alone without
Doubt is a Mother Keep Reading
Traveling back to March 2015 I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes. Reading this blog is kind of neat — it’s like a not-so-secret diary where I can voice my opinions, put my fear into words, type
I wrote the post below in March 2010. Fifteen years ago. That is just so crazy to me. But…I’m so glad I came across this old blog post. In it I write, I know there will be rough days ahead, but I’ve already made it through some pretty heavy stuff.
Simple Joy Revisited: Progress Keep Reading
It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I’m just going to ramble. Not every post has to be eloquent, right? My sister is getting married to a man she’s only known 6 months and who has a
Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles Keep Reading
This is a “just because” post. Just because I’m feeling good. And feisty. Have you heard the phrase, “Keep your grass cut low.” That’s where I’m at right now. Reevaluating relationships with painful realizations that things may never be the same again. “How melodramatic!” my husband would say. But it’s
The “Just Because” Post Keep Reading
This year I’m not sending out Christmas cards. I’m unveiling my personal blog. I’ve been journaling for about 15 years and this blog is a culmination of all of my writings. I see it as this. If you love me, truly, and care about me unconditionally, then you will read
Here’s your Christmas card. Keep Reading
I was instantly engaged and memories were flooding through my head, negative and positive, with peace in knowing that needing to feel validated is okay, as the author says. The Foreword said to me, “this book will be a part of your journey to healing.” So on I read.
Another Borderline Book Keep Reading
I breathe the air of queens pastRespite I thought was sure to lastI was never meant to be your shadow to castYour tag-along you’d drag alongTo smoke cigarettes and talk cars all nightNo place for a child in your ragged lifeLet me speak my concessions while you hold the knifeBloodied
Dear Kristin, Congratulations on graduating from Texas Tech. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should have been. Here’s the deal. I was a shitty mother. I was mean to you. I was sweet to you, too, which probably made things confusing. I let my own issues affect how I parented
The Letter I Wish My Mother Wrote Me Keep Reading
My core, whole and good, are both enveloped and set free by the windBirds flying about, chirping their progress of finding a new home before the apparent night fallsI’m sure the bugs are doing something but those can stay far away. Yes, even the lady bugs, however cute. I can’t
I wanted to go back. Way back, when I was really diving in deep in my spiritual and healing journey. I grabbed an old journal and here is what I found: October 27, 2010: What do I believe? I’m not good enough. I’m damaged. I don’t have discipline; discipline is
Personal Beliefs – Small Self turned Authentic: Part One Keep Reading
“Out of all the times I’ve seen you, this is the best I’ve felt.” — me “That’s great. You are making progress.” — my psychiatrist Poor guy. I wasn’t intentionally lying. I honestly felt like I was doing soooo great. That was about two weeks ago. Now that I’ve cried
Is today the day? Has the time finally arrived when I say, “Enough is enough”? When I never look back? When I charge forward propelled with the same force that has held me back year after year, failure after failure…? When will it happen? Will I let it happen? Will
Prayer of Questions Keep Reading
I never felt received by my mother, my father, and my stepfather. This lead to me not feeling received by others outside of the home, first by teachers and classmates, then later in life it would become boyfriends and coworkers. My mother’s emotions were bat crazy; she was in and
Journaling after reading Nouwen’s Imperative: Live Patiently with the “Not Yet” Keep Reading
Passages that stop you, keep you from going forward so you can begin to travel inward–inward toward experiences that you thought only you had. A difficult past, the yearning to just get out of your current condition with the current condition being home. Knowing your day-to-day isn’t normal as you
House Rules by Rachel Sontag Keep Reading
…in the blogging world. …in the job search world. …in the Christian world (which is not of the world) …in the “You’re a 40 year old woman with a dog and a husband in suburbia USA” world. Aaah. And there it is. Why do I think this post is probably
This post is probably a “no-no” Keep Reading
Eyes open. I am naked in a bed next to a man who is naked.Heavy, pounding pain with the pace and purpose of a fetal heartbeat fills my head. My mouth and throat are bone dry. My body is heavy and begs me to go back to sleep. Sleep where? My
Sex with a Stranger Keep Reading
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood and early adulthood. It hurts to know, to finally understand,
I’m still relevant Keep Reading
I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close my eyes for a few minutes but then I start getting antsy, my mind wanders and meditation is the last thing on my mind.
Freedom in Forgiveness Keep Reading
Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg of the journey” because previously I was feeling great, I noticeably felt well all around. The messages I’m reading are completely flipping the script
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book. It’s a lot of positivity that is entering my brain
Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him a lot. Therefore, I cry a lot. His music makes
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or Oscar the Grouch (he lives in a trashcan afterall). Depression
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had several bird features and even a bird bath! Can you imagine being a kid and watching birds land on this statue-esque structure and clean
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep and I had some work to do so I said,
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings Keep Reading
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an extent, I hope it does. But we’re all adults so
The Other Scarlet Letter Keep Reading
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to you about it in real time. But I soon realized
Laying it out there Keep Reading
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to thinking, I’ll be that age in 20 years. I was
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday that alcohol has ended so many relationships that actuallhy had
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I saw it – the ministry’s address – Ohio. Ohio! Really?
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake the downers to come down from the uppers. It leaves
On the journey of med adherence Keep Reading
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m nearing the “now or never” age and I’m finding myself not ready. I’m still healing emotionally and mentally, my book is underway, and I
Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted Keep Reading
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to ramble about my thoughts and experiences I’ve had through the day, ruminating thoughts, bouts of depression, sky high anxiety…you know all the good sunshine
A Saboteur. It sounds like a handsome, romantic, traveling Frenchman. Oh, how I wish it were. After two decades of shitting on anything good that came into my life, it wasn’t until the past few years that I was able to put my self-deprecating actions into words. Self-sabotage. Education, finances,
A Frenchman and a Child Keep Reading
I am reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok. Her memories take shape as a.house or maybe a castle. Nevertheless, they take shape. I feel close to Bartok. While she has a schizophrenic mother, I have an emotionally ill mother. Not to say that I am not an emotionally ill
…that which bring healing. Keep Reading
It’s the grown-up things that scare me the most. Keeping up a house, being a wife, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on the same scale of “how the hell am I going to do this today?” I am now married — no longer the damaged person
I finished House Rules tonight, underlining and scribbling notes in the margins because I couldn’t find my highlighter. I saw my family members in hers, Rachel the author. My mother was a key player, of course. But I was surprised how she took the role of both the father and
Rules to be Written Keep Reading
My reading of Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW has continued. Here are excerpts I connected with. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty, or fake. “Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control
I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it. She gave me a week to think of a very painful event in my life. In all honesty, I
“May God have mercy on your soul,” my mother said. The bee sting is over. I’ve come to peace with her words. Like a Borderline, she projects. So, maybe she is actually saying may God have mercy on her soul. Just maybe. All this Borderline talk has me feeling a
And this too shall pass Keep Reading
Most of my life I have steered clear of my sisters’ dad’s family. When we would go and visit the aunts and uncles and cousins, I felt out of place and like I was wearing a sign that said “Not Related.” I would excuse myself and go walk around by
Learning to be Loved Keep Reading
Wow. How much personal work I have done! I am reading my hand-written journaling from 2011, and I did much writing during that year. And understandable so. I had moved in with my now fiance and the plan was for me to be a “house-girlfriend.” That was until we added
Revisiting the Past for a Better Future Keep Reading
It’s true, I am healing from consequences I experienced due to my choices as an adult. I’m not blaming everything on my childhood. A lot of my behavior was a result of the environment I grew up in, and I carried those behaviors with me as I entered middle school,
Depression Disguised/Disguised Depression Keep Reading
I decided to continue on with my reading of Beverly Engel’s Healing Your Emotional Self”. It’s painful to read. It brings back many bad memories. During and after my reading it, I feel uncomfortable, highly anxious, and often experience moments of “spacing out”. But with all of this pain and
The 7 Types of Negative Parental Mirrors Keep Reading
But there she was, coming up to hug me, showering me with superficial comments about how long my hair is and how good I look. And there she was, asking me questions that I didn’t want to answer — “Where are you living?” “Where are you working?” “I don’t even
Bridal Shower Boundaries Keep Reading