So I couldn’t sleep tonight…well yesterday to be exact. So I thought, “Let’s just get the day started. I can blog. I can craft. I can take my Vyvanse.” There. That’s it. The big one. Vyvanse. As I sit here […]
Midnight Type: Let’s Get the Day Started Keep Reading
addiction, adhd, getting out of bed, medication, mental illness, mistakes, psychiatrist, today, vyvanse, writingEyes open. I am naked in a bed next to a man who is naked.Heavy, pounding pain with the pace and purpose of a fetal heartbeat fills my head. My mouth and throat are bone dry. My body is heavy and
Sex with a Stranger Keep Reading
choices, counseling, getting over my past, guilt, memories, mistakes, promiscuity, shame, small self, stuck
I’m talking Family. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged. My biological father left my life soon after I was born and joined the army. I didn’t see him for several years. “Why doesn’t he want me?” I remember crying
About two weeks ago I began Ketamine IV therapy for treatment-resistant depression as well as for anxiety and suicidal ideation. Prior to treatment, I was thinking about killing myself every day. I had a plan, I had written my letters
Kristin on Ketamine Keep Reading
anxiety, depression, ketamine, missing work because of depression, psychiatrist, suicide
I was just re-reading my “About” page, checking for typos and just generally making sure the content is still relevant. And yes, unfortunately it’s still relevant. Why unfortunately? It’s still hard to admit my truth. My truth about my childhood
I’m still relevant Keep Reading
authentic self, authenticity, baggage, beliefs, blogging to be better, borderline, childhood, doubt, emotions, feelings, finding my place, getting over my past, growth, guilt, inner child, inner critic, living a better story, love, loving myself today, mistakes, moving forward, ownership, pain, questions, self-sabotage, survival, truthI told myself after my evening walk I would write something. Anything. So this is it. I’ve been listening to music all day. Work went well. I survived my commute – both ways. I found the motivation to go on
Just write something Keep Reading
Random
“The loneliest place is a lonely marriage,” my counselor Paige told me. I knew she was right then, and her words ring true to me at this very moment. Is this just a challenge of marriage, feeling hatred toward my
The loneliest place Keep Reading
challenges, domestic violence, forgiveness, marriage, truth
After talking with my counselor today, I left her office with a question. An internal question. What is holding me back from going after my dreams? My work and career are near perfect. I’m doing what I love, which inspires
Quick Ponder: Dreams Unexplored Keep Reading
ah-ha moments, anxiety, blogging to be better, challenges, change, counseling, creativity, truth
If you read this blog then you know I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, whether they are fresh on the scene or just new to me. I am on Spotify all day every day making playlists, looking up
To Aries from a Libra Keep Reading
Aries, boundaries, music
I just want to float away. It seems too easy to be that easy – you can just leave all the pain behind and no longer be in pain even though you’ve floated away from everyone who loves you?
Giving up things of the world Keep Reading
acceptance, adderall, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, baggage, beach, beliefs, binge drinking, blogging to be better, borderline, boundaries, depression, father, Jesus, living a better story, living below my potential, loneliness, loving myself today, memoir, memories, mental illness, motherI put a hold on my 108-day journey with Rituals for Transformation. Why? I was doing so well, reading the messages twice a day and journaling my insights. I’m trying to live a better life. I’ve made so many boneheaded
Transformation: the book, The Book and a wise owl Keep Reading
acceptance, beliefs, bible study, blessings, books, dragontree, finding my place, forgiveness, freedom, friendship, fruit of the spirit, growth, happiness, healing, Jesus, living a better story, putting God first, reading, redemption, Rituals for Transformation, scripture, self love, transformation, truth, uncertainty, writing
It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. I never considered her birthday to be a trigger for my childhood trauma, but alas it is. When I say childhood trauma, I’m not referring to physical abuse or sexual abuse, neither of which
I just had a very clear thought. “It’s Daughter Journey time.” And so I abide… My dad has throat cancer. Cancer. He begins chemo Monday. I don’t even believe it. I cannot watch this man deteriorate. I watched my grandmother
Let’s look at my history with alcohol. Multiple arguments, the ending of relationships, the ending of going to school, the ending of a fresh reputation. For those reasons alone I would think that I am a person who should not
To Drink or Not to Drink Keep Reading
alcohol, big steps forward, binge drinking, drinking, family, forgiveness
I’m wondering if I’m doing myself (and you) a disservice by posting daily. I don’t feel like I’m giving you a whole lot of substance to keep you interested in reading. I’m also afraid that if I don’t blog everyday
This Journey I’m On Keep Reading
adhd, alcohol, anxiety, blogging to be better, church, depression, drug use, father, mother, Motherless Daughters Ministry, prayer, Rituals for Transformation
I haven’t done Rituals for Transformation (RFT) perfectly. I didn’t night journal a couple of nights and my meditation needs more practice. I seriously can close my eyes for a few minutes but then I start getting antsy, my mind
Freedom in Forgiveness Keep Reading
blogging to be better, closure, dragontree, forgiveness, getting over my past, resentment, Rituals for Transformation
Lackluster. That’s the best way to describe how I feel on this leg of the journey of my Rituals for Transformation reading. I say “this leg of the journey” because previously I was feeling great, I noticeably felt well all
So what’s been helping my mood? Rituals for Transformation is the biggest reason and it’s because the book calls for twice a day meditation and journaling. Plus, I’m reading all of the good messages of the day in the book.
Getting rid of the icky Keep Reading
anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, challenges, change, childhood, counseling, dragontree, feelings, getting over my past, grace, growth, happiness, healing, inner child, inspiration, journaling, living a better story, loving myself today, self-doubt, writing
Today’s Rituals for Transformation message is to make time for stillness. Still my mind. Still my thoughts. Gently pull myself back to stillness when I find myself going down rabbit holes. I identify with stillness more than meditation, even though
Making space for stillness Keep Reading
RandomMy mood fluctuates, that’s no surprise. The other day was bad. Today was good. That’s normal, right? I can’t expect to have a good day everyday…or can I? Can I expect to have “rad” days (as rated on my mood
If I’m going to take this writing to Dreambook level (shout out Briana and Dr. Peter Borten and the Dragontree team!), then I have to find peace in knowing that friends and family may one day come across my blog.
It’s only a matter of time Keep Reading
authentic self, authenticity, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, depression, dragontree, dreams, family
I have no idea what to write about yet I’m crying, for the second time today. Today was a rough day. Mondays I’m supposed to go into the office but I worked from home. I just didn’t have it in
Today was a sad day Keep Reading
bad day, blogging to be better, commitment, depression, relationships, Rituals for Transformation
I’m Lil Peep’n it right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am very much moved by music and the musicians behind the music I listen to. Needless to say, I did a lot of research
Music, My Mother and Other Ramblings Keep Reading
change, choices, clarity, commitment, connection, counseling, diet, discipline, divorce, dragontree, family, happiness, healing, Random
I’m on a journey. I guess you could call it a daughter journey. Some days I forget that I’m a daughter (I also have no contact with my biological father). Yes, I have supportive people in my life like my
There’s just something about her Keep Reading
acceptance, addiction, adhd, alcohol, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, baggage, beliefs, grandparents, grief and loss, mother, Motherless Daughters Ministry, mothers, narcissism, Random, Rituals for Transformation
I am on the 18th day of Rituals for Transformation (RFT) but this is the first day of my “blog everyday” promise. It’s a promise to me as much as it’s a promise to you. It also just makes sense.
I’m working through Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life. Each day calls for morning and evening meditation followed by journaling. Today I thought, “What if I blogged my meditation writings?” My mind works so much faster
Two birds, one stone Keep Reading
Rituals for Transformation
“Let me know, let me know when I’ve got room to run” – Dermot Kennedy I’m very much moved by music. I easily cry during my favorite songs. And my favorite artist is singer-songwriter Dermot Kennedy. I listen to him
“Feels like winter follows you around.” There’s a song by Dermot Kennedy and that is a line in one of his songs. I relate to that lyric so much. Like that Peanuts character who was always getting rained on, or
I’m sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their language of life and presence. Something about birds has always intrigued me. Possibly because my great-grandparents had several bird features and even a bird bath! Can you imagine being a kid
Currently close to 2:30 a.m. I’m sitting outside, with my laptop of course, and I’m just enjoying the night. While listening to Dermot Kennedy. I actually feel a sense of joy, which I haven’t felt in awhile. I couldn’t sleep
Mental Health Woes and Wanderings Keep Reading
baggage, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, counseling, creativity, death, depression, friendship, getting out of bed, getting over my past, inner child, inner critic, loving myself today, mental illness, mistakes, mother, personality traits, sabotage, will i ever be good enough, writing
A. A for abortion. This post is about abortion. So, if that is a topic that offends you or you feel strongly about, I’m telling you now: reading my personal opinion may ignite something inside of you. And to an
The Other Scarlet Letter Keep Reading
acceptance, aging, ah-ha moments, authentic self, authenticity, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, choices, closure, confusion, connection, courage, dating, depression, forgiveness, freedom, getting out of bed, getting over my past, grief and loss, growth, guilt, memoir, memories, mental illness, regret, secrets, shame
I’m sitting outside. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I imagine the neighborhood kids are already in bed, along with their parents and pets. It’s nighttime; it’s quiet. I’m inhaling and exhaling these full breaths and I feel my shoulders release and
I attended an emotionally absent mother (EAM) 6-week course offered by Motherless Daughters Ministry in October with the intention of opening up my space, my heart really. I wanted to bring you on my motherless daughter journey by writing to
Laying it out there Keep Reading
adhd, anxiety, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, childhood, confusion, depression, getting over my past, loneliness, loving myself today, mental illness, self talk, suicide, writing
I have no idea why I’m sitting outside, in the sunshine and fresh air, writing. Yesterday I was in bed until 2 pm, then I went to the grocery store with my husband. Don’t even ask about showering. But today
Making Waves: Keep Moving Forward Keep Reading
adderall, adhd, anxiety, attitude, authentic self, beliefs, blogging to be better, challenges, change, control, counseling, depression, emotions, getting out of bed, housekeeping, how to live, inner child, just do it, laundry, life, life is hard, living a better story, living below my potential, loving myself today, mental illness, mood cycles, morning anxiety, moving forward, Outdoors, reflection, searching, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, soul, sunshine, transparency, vyvanse, where do I fit in?, will i ever be good enough, worrying
This could easily be titled The Twitter Effect. And maybe it should be. I manage my company’s social media accounts and I noticed that I feel really good when our analytics show we’re getting a lot of exposure. And if
The Instagram Effect Keep Reading
challenges, depression, emotions, finding my place, how to live, life, loving myself today, patterns, self loathing, self talk, self-doubt, small self
My Instagram feed told me that Michelle Obama just turned 57. Some may say she’s at the peak of her life. Her beauty, inside and out, is so apparent. And she is beautiful. She is America. Then I got to
The thing is there’s nothing particularly interesting or unique about me. I’ve just fucked up a lot of times and I want to share my experiences because maybe someone can relate to what I’m saying. I was thinking just yesterday
It’s not all Vyvanse’s fault. I mismanaged my prescription today (i.e. took a second pill at 4 pm), but I had to do work. And I can only do work hyped up on Vyvanse. I don’t want the adderall anymore;
Another Sleepless Night brought to you by Vyvanse Keep Reading
adderall, addiction, adhd, blogging to be better, can't sleep, medication, mood cycles, vyvanse
This post isn’t going to really serve the purpose of much of anything. It’s literally random ramblings I’m having post-EAM class. It is Thursday after all, thus I have the Emotionally Absent Mother class which wrapped up about 45 minutes
During a search for support groups for daughters of borderline or emotionally absent mothers, I came across Motherless Daughters Ministry. As I read through their website, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m looking for. I need this.” Then I
The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Keep Reading
acceptance, big steps forward, blogging to be better, books, borderline, childhood, counseling, depression, doubt, emotions, feelings, getting over my past, guilt, healing, inner child, inner critic, mother, narcissism, relationships, searching, self talk, self-doubt, self-sabotage, writing
The following blog post was written in October 2018. I used to be an infamous canceler of counseling appointments. Infamous because of timing and repetition: always last-minute and approximately 3 out of 4 appointments. My previous counselor once told me,
Oldie but Goodie: Counseling Avoidance Keep Reading
anxiety, beliefs, books, challenges, confusion, counseling, depression, divorce, energy, fear, frustration, getting out of bed, guilt, marriage, pain, uncertainty, writing
I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs at least one friend. My friendlessness is due to two main reasons: I sabotaged
When You Have No Friends Keep Reading
friendship, isolation, julia butterfly, loneliness, sabotage, sadness
I’ve been trying to find a way to say without saying that I have a problem taking prescription drugs as prescribed. I overtake the uppers to try and feel the least bit of relief from my depression and then overtake
On the journey of med adherence Keep Reading
adderall, addiction, adhd, anxiety, authentic self, authenticity, challenges, choices, depression, diet, getting over my past, guilt, inner child, loving myself today, memoir, mood cycles, self-sabotage, shame, tightness in chest
It’s getting really tiring having these discoveries hit me again and again. I am in the season of new beginnings, new blessings, forgiving myself – forgiveness I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to do. I’m such a shame there’s
I’m not good enough – on purpose? Keep Reading
acceptance, blessings, forgiveness, inner critic, prayer, shameRandom thoughts on a random day. Kind of not a random day as Labor Day was yesterday. I didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and sleep. That sounds so pitiful to me. That’s not normal, is it? I need guidance
Afternoon Journaling Keep Reading
confusion
I actually forgot I had written my most recent blog post, you know the one about consistency and “we’ll see how long this lasts.” Well I hopped on my computer at 2:00 a.m. this morning because I couldn’t sleep because
A.M. Ponderings: Medication Adherence Keep Reading
addiction, adhd, can't sleep, insomnia, medication, mental illness, vyvanse
I’m having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I’m nearing the “now or never” age and I’m finding myself not ready. I’m still
Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted Keep Reading
choices, depression, freedom, getting over my past, money, post partum, sadness
I’m going to try something new. I’m still working on the whole staying consistent thing, so we’ll see how long this lasts. Basically, I’m going to ramble about my thoughts and experiences I’ve had through the day, ruminating thoughts, bouts
You are an older version of your childhood. Your mistakes follow you. The places you want to get away from is where you will always end up. The words someone tells you are true. You are your circumstance. You will
Three Decades of Beliefs Keep Reading
beliefs, childhood, identity, life, stuck
My manuscript is currently pages of memories and insights. No order, just what I am remembering during the moments I write. I read that writers should not get too caught up or worried about “form,” because eventually paragraphs and pages
The Brief: How I Survived Childhood Keep Reading
childhood, confusion, finding my place, grandparents, Jesus, love, memoir, mother, reflection, resilience, survival